Dear esteemed and probably harassed Reader,
You are highly esteemed by me for reading my diary and deciphering my ramblings. I have the fond hope that my paltry collection of attempts at humour can be used to mop your fevered brow and take your mind off your botherations for a few minutes. You can tell your significant others that you are doing research for a PhD on bewildered minds. If they read it, they’ll believe you!
Well, talking of harassments, I can tell you, like Frank Sinatra in “My Way”, I’ve had a few, but I’ve done it ‘My Way’! The ‘whining’ in the title refers to a wine ‘lake’ incident on a European-wide basis. There was I carrying a couple of nice bottles of plonk home in a plastic bag, all very sophisticated of course, when the bally bag split and the red ‘nectar’ of the god Bacchus smashed out of its bottles all over the supermarket floor. What a kaffuffle! My face went as red as the wine, while shoppers scattered to avoid the glass and the splashing Merlot! One wag suggested we all get straws and slurp it up. I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not as his wife hauled him away. The shop offered to replace them and organised a clean up on the scale of the ‘Gulf Oil Spill’!
Since that fateful day, I bought a wine-box, calculating both the economies of scale and the unbreakable nature of the casing. Well, reader, I should not have tempted fate. I’d just got the bally thing home when I accidentally cut the interior bag and the whole lot leaked out onto the kitchen floor—another environmental and bacchanalian disaster on a cosmic scale. Twice in one week? What have I done to annoy the Fates? Second thoughts, don’t ask, ‘cos they might tell you! So, another gorgeous Merlot went down ‘with all hands’ like the Titanic, but, as per, the band played on. I shed a tear and sang ‘Abide with me’! By the way, the Titanic was built here and the centenary is in 2012. Come and see us! Don’t forget, “It was alright, when it left here!” We didn’t know someone would ram it into an iceberg, did we?
Talking of visitor attractions, I think one is being constructed next door to me and it has a ‘water’ element to it. Yes, I think they will probably have a stone statue of a young lad peeing. Very tasteful! Sounds like a load of ‘Ed Balls’ to me! Mind you, the construction work is taking its toll on me and I might just set up a turnstile and collect a ‘toll’ for my pains. Then ‘Titanic’ visitors can take in the new ‘Hanging Gardens of Babylon’! You ask what I’m ‘babbling on’ about? (Almost a pun? What do you want for free, Shakespeare?) Well, the to-do relates to my neighbours re-landscaping their garden. They told me it would be pretty minor in nature and very attractive with terraces of ground and water features. Well, the Emporers of Rome in their hey-day would have not have been as ambitious as these folks. Only thing is, my garden is at a lower level and all I can see is major earthworks. You need to understand that Mr. William’s ‘chateau’ has remained untouched in its splendour for many decades and has been as settled as China through millenia of dynasties. Even a butterfly flapping its wings attracts my attention these days. I just don’t like the disruption and I’m losing sleep imagining what could go wrong with their ‘Wonder of the World’.
Any rate, there was I quietly worrying as I saw earthmovers and road drills tearing up everything in the vicinity, when the normally friendly and helpful neighbour came running over and asked if I had a long pole. Now I can just hear you tee-heeing thinking of the in-built innuendo and, granted, I did raise my bushy eyebrows when he asked the question, but he quickly explained. Seemed the jolly old builders had blocked all his water drains with cement and he had to hoke the gunge out before it hardened. Well, dear reader, I did furnish a pole, but I did have to go in and have a stiff drink. Thankfully, I had replenished the supplies. You see, it was obvious to me that the ‘Gardens of Babylon’ could easily turn into the ‘Rivers of Babylon’ during the next downpour! (In Norn Irn, that happens every 10 minutes or so. Therefore no time to lose!) Hopefully ‘Niagara Falls’ will not come my way, but the staggered terraces and fences have left me staggered! Don’t they know that my great grandfather was an Italian count, who fought with Garabaldi? (He really took the ‘biscuit’! Ha!) My motto should be “Nemo lacessit sine impune”, roughly translated, “No one should mess me about without a kick in the drawers!”
Talking about ‘drawers’ of the undercracker variety, I nearly had another ‘wikileak’ the other day, when I put both feet into one leg of my knickers! I nearly went ass over elbow into the wardrobe, just as the housekeeper walked in and asked if I needed anything else ‘buffed up’. (What? She was dusting, but she ended up seeing a full moon in the daytime to our mutual embarrassment!) Dear love her, I think she’s used to it and just went on with the buffing and scrubbing. At least it’s not as bad as the time I stepped into one knicker leg with both feet at the top of the stairs. That was a close call!
Anyway, must go and make my dinner. What bothers me is that I keep exceeding the ‘extermination’ date on my food? Should I recycle it? I could bury it in the neighbour’s mound of earth. (John Stape style, if you’re a Corrie fan!) I hope I have something ‘in date’ or I’ll have to hop into the ‘peep mobile’ and go to the shops again. It was 27 degrees earlier and I have no air-conditioning. It was like a sauna, which would be fine, but not fully dressed. Maybe, though, I could invite that lovely lady, Julie, from the shops, to come out for a wine and dining experience. She would be ‘Julie’ impressed! Any road, I’m off. I’ve heard there are no traffic wardens in Aberystwyth in Wales. So I’ll park there, but it’s quite a walk to the shops and I’m not a great swimmer! Did I tell you I’m ambiguous, androgenous, ambidextrous or whatever it is? Yes, I can write with both hands. Well, signing off with my left hand, (My right hand is holding the glass of Merlot) I wish you well and wish me luck with Julie and pray that the ‘Hanging Gardens’ will not turn into ‘Rivers’, especially if they have that ‘peeing’ statue!
Yours occasionally ‘whining’ yet always dining out on the bright side of life,
The Blogging GogFather
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