Mr. William is a Pain and needs a good ‘Grilling’?
Good Morrow dear and hopefully chirpy Reader,
I’m doing my best to be chirpy, but it’s not easy at 87,
what with my aches and pains (Which naturally include my son-in-law!) and the
trials and tribulations of outrageous fortune (or lack of it)- not to mention
the memory of a goldfish. Did I mention my pains? I saw my nurse again
yesterday about my blood pressure and circulation. Yes, Sister Gorgona Borgia
did the ‘bloods’ etc. I fear she probably left 2 bite marks in my neck! I
relate to the story of the ol’ gog (Grumpy ol’ git) who went to his doc (No
doubt, like mine- Dr. Ima Gunna Killyall!) and complained of pains. He said to
the long-suffering quack that everywhere he touched hurt. The doc ran copious tests
and the doc hauled him in- to mend his broken finger! Ha! It’s all how you look
on it, isn’t it? I may be ancient, but I see myself as a fine vintage wine. (No
comments from the hecklers, please, who allure to my ‘light’ consumption of the
fire-water. It’s ‘light’, because I don’t agree with drinking in the dark. You
spill too much!)
Anyway, some might look on ol’ geezers like me as a
‘pain’, just ‘cos we forget things and won’t go quietly into the night, but
they need to remember that they will age and let’s see if they manage to have
my zest for life. Right, that’s off my wee hairy chest, I can get on to my
experiences recently. By the way, does the uber atheist, Richard Dawkins have a
Christmas card list or has he x-ed ‘Xmas’? Also did you hear that Mick Jagger
said to a cheeky bloke, “Do you know who I am?” The bloke said, “No, but you
could ask nurse on the way out!” Any rate, a few ups and downs to report. I
needed a dishwasher (Well, I say need, but I just don’t want to waste good
gallivanting time on scrubbing pots!) Plumber arrives and asks where my
‘stopcock’ is. I replied in all honesty, “I don’t know, but stop calling me
cock!” That lead to a minor water kafuffle, but not as bad as the ‘foolproof’
shower, or so they told me. It’s walk in with a door and a seat. The seat I
got, but door was ajar and a tsunami ensued. Clearly not ‘foolproof’? I also
burnt my knobs. Yes, the ones on the cooker. I didn’t know I had to close the
grill door! I got a good grilling from the rellies and the supplier! Hey-ho! I
need a woman to keep me on the right path. More later!
Any road, memory is tricky for me. I like what my
life-coach, Ida Nissue, says. “Bad memory just makes you discriminating about
what you remember!” Pure poetry! (A little bit screwy as well?) I like another
of hers. “Embrace change, but don’t get so cosy, you have to have a shotgun
wedding!” Talking about embracing, my daughter’s dog just loves me. It’s gets
so excited when I arrive that it attaches itself to my undercarriage. Well,
it’s only ‘human’, after all? Last time, it got so carried away, it threw up on
the mat. (Not another critic, I hope?)
Valentine’s Day was fun for me this year. Thrice I offered
a different damsel in distress a token of lurve i.e. a card with a delightful ditty. They all seemed delirious with
delight. Well, they certainly rocked on their heels, but I normally have that
effect on ladies. I’ve still got it. As they say, I started off with nothing
and I’ve still got most of it left! One of the damsels was my ‘natural’ blonde
podiatrist. Well, she’s ‘back to blonde’. (Not in an Amy Winehouse type way!)
She also has a ‘natural’ gift for making me feel like I’m walking on air and
that’s not just her podiatry skills. She is also my financial guru. She said I
would weather the recession. She really has her ‘finger on the footsie’! She
also has a lovely twinkle in her eye. I think it’s the glass one glinting off
the fluorescent strip light? So romantic, unlike the real deal on offer called
the ‘Divorce Package’. Apparently you take your spouse, not to be for much
longer, on a 2 week package to the Dominican Republic and do the dumping
divorce in the sun. Sounds like a real bundle of laughs? No, I like romance and
colour, although my childhood was all in black and white and occasionally black
and blue when I misbehaved!
I had several unusual romances in my younger days. I was
an identical twin and once got my physog slapped when I went out with my
brother’s girlfriend. Also dentists have always had their teeth into me. I was
waiting in the dentist’s antechamber of fear, when a vision of Marilyn Munro
loveliness started chatting me up. She was called up to see Dr. Phil McAvity
and as I waited for my filling, she must have got hers. She was there for an
hour and the screaming wasn’t just coming from the patient! When she came down,
she kissed me on the cheek and I realised that the dentist had extracted my
heartthrob- without anaesthetic! He made my toothbrush bristle that day and I
have been wary of the glint in dentists’ eyes ever since!
I’ll tell you about one more romantic encounter and then I
will scoot off. This one was bitter sweet. It was wartime and I was an army
officer in the Far East. (Burma to be exact, now Myanmar). I was on the good
ship ‘Liberty’ i.e. a few days’ leave and everything was full of ‘eastern
promise’. A lovely local girl passed me in the bar, like ships in the night
(Not the Titanic thankfully). We both took liberties and, as she was from
India, I called her my ‘Bird of Paradise from Bangalore’. It was lurve and we
were like ‘cats on a hot tin roof’ in the barmy, balmy heat! Sadly that ship
sailed and I never saw her again. Actually, now that you bring it up, I did
write to Aung San Suu Kyi, when she was kind of at a loose end, to see if she
knew of the whereabouts of my young love. I didn’t know the girl’s name, but I
gave a full description. I haven’t had a reply yet, but I know that the great
lady is a little busy at present.
Hey-ho! What have we learnt here? My hearing’s not great,
but did you say that romance is not dead? (At least, I think that’s what you
said?) Well, I leave you this thought. Life is for living, even if you are
‘cashtrated’. I laugh a lot- especially at the guy who ‘streaked’ on Easyjet. I
thought there was a ‘nut’ ban? Barefaced cheeks? Did you see Robert Vaughan
doing a cameo role in Roy’s Rolls on Coronation Street? Well, I’ll be a
‘monkey’s uncle’! (Get it? Not Darwin or Dawkins but ‘The Man from Uncle’. Ah
well, never mind!)
Before I go and buy that Perry ‘Coma’ (sic) CD, I want to
wish my friend well. He hit ‘rock bottom’! Yes, he and Rock slugged it out in
the ring! Also I wish the Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley well. He’s a radical colossal
figure, unlike some clerical ‘madicals’ I won’t name. Good luck to Northern
Ireland, my homeland. We have the Titanic centenary. We hope that ‘goes down’
well, along with our golfing triumphs. You know that some of the first aviators
like Amelia Earhart and Alcock & Brown (Not made-up names!) landed here in
‘Norn Irn’ after epic flights. So, friends, drop in anytime?
Yours a little pained, but always smiling,
