Image by kmiller799 via Flickr
I'm really busy today, 'cos I'm on the scent, literally. You see, I have been buying this aftershave, called 'Urban' from a well-known high street department store. Can't tell you the name, in case my lawyer has another 'connery' or buckle in the eye, but let's just say, it rhymes with 'Parks and Benchers'. I could tell this cologne was alluring to the ladies, as they always commented on it and asked for a sniff. Their exact words were, 'What's that strange niff and is it coming from you?' Thing is, I have just been told they have discontinued it.
Well, I can hear you say, 'Mr William, you don't need any help to attract the ladies with your matinee idol looks and peerless charm and wit!' Yes, you are right, but I believe in creating the right atmosphere, literally. As Silvio said to me (That's Senor Berlusconi to you), 'Mr Peeps, we all look to you for inspiration. I am in a 'stable' relationship myself and don't need your help.' Must be quite a large 'stable', if you know what I mean?
You see, I always say that if it's not broke, then don't fix it. Cameron seems to agree. Apparently, he wants us to stick with the 'Status Quo'. Well, they say old rockers never die, they just fall off their rocker! Anyway, I just liked that aftershave. I had got acclimatised to its aroma, a bit like my house. I watch all the housey progs on tv, but I don't change my decor. I am waiting for a revival of 70's chic. I was going to ask Ricky Gervais for his opinion, but I thought he might be brutally frank. He can be 'Frank' and I'll be 'Earnest'. (What did you think of him at the Awards recently? A comedian has to prick pomposity and there were a lot of large balloon-sized egos to prick?)
Any rate, I was leaving the house to get more aftershave, when I lost my keys again. Thank goodness, though, for my unique new system. I lock myself in a room, close my eyes and mentally retrace my steps. Just a couple of hitches with that. Firstly, I can't find the key for the room I want to meditate in; secondly, I have the mind of a butterfly on champagne-so, I tend to wander a bit. Then thirdly, I forget why I went into the room. I did buy a self-help book by an Ima Knowtall (You may be aware of her oeuvre, which includes, 'Perfection and how I attained it in 10 easy Steps', priced very reasonably at £40). It was called 'The Key to Every Door in Life'. What a misunderstanding. I thought it would help me with my housekey issue, but it was just mumbo-jumbo.( Much like Blair at Chilcott).
Before I lose the scent completely, I must tell you what happened at the shopping centre. I asked the assistant about the 'Urban'. Like me, it has street cred, yet is sophisticated. He dropped the bombshell about it's discontinuation and I was shell-shocked. So there I was on the escalator heading home, when I espied one of my lady friends on the escalator heading in the opposite direction. She smiled and asked me how I was. I was so discombobulated, that I simply muttered a reply and we passed like ships in the night!
I was so disappointed, as I love and respect ladies. Unlike those football pundits, I want to woo them, not boo them! The last time I met this lady, she told me her husband was away on a trek up the Amazon. She even gave me a peck on the cheek. Well, actually she accidentally pecked me on the neck. Here, you don't think she's related to Dracula's daughter or something. I'll have to check for fang marks. I have been a little anaemic lately. Only kidding. Thing is, I had worked out a great line to use if I met her again. I would say, 'While he's up the Amazon, I'd be happy to take you up the Kyber Pass.' What? It's in your own minds. I was stationed there during the war! Hey-ho!
Ah well, must dash as I want to write to Customer Services at the store and get my 'Urban' chic back, before the lack of it affects my mojo any more. You know, I may be 86, but I'm not too old for hanky-panky. In fact, hanky-panky and I have been good bed-fellows for decades and always will be, if I can keep up the pace. Talking about keeping up the pace etc; Are Dawn French and Pat Butcher the only celebs who have not brought out a fitness dvd? At least they have not got on the gravy train of going from overly rubenesque to stick-insect!
Well I'm off, in more ways than one,
Yours fragrantly, but with a hint of 'Old Spice',