Saturday, 19 January 2013

Mr. William's New Year Resolution is in full HD

Mr William’s New Year Resolution is in full HD

Dear and possibly cash-strapped, credit squeezed Reader,

Happy New Year to you! How are you? Do you still have a few shekels left or are you mortgaged till the next millennium? I heard today that the top 100 billionaires could take the world’s poorest out of poverty 4 times over, just from last year’s earnings! Makes you think, doesn’t it? Also UK MPs want a 32 per cent pay rise. Are we all still ‘in it together’? Anyway, I hope you are well and I will tell you about my adventures. Feel free to comment below with your thoughts on 2013! Did you make any resolutions and, if so, have they now gone the way of all flesh? By the way, does a Whirling Dervish make New Year ‘revolutions’? Ha! Well, my resolution will be adhered to resolutely. I’m going to live life to the full this year, in full high definition colour, if you like. I can’t hang around at age 88 and do things in black and white. I’m gonna let my hair down, what’s left of it.

Do you notice that peeps often say they want their hair done badly, when they mean they badly need it done? I know what they mean, but we humans are a funny lot, aren’t we, and language can confuse the issue further? For instance, I said to an old friend, who is quite young, that I was going to have a ‘break down’ at my daughter’s at Christmas? He said he hoped it wouldn’t be that stressful! Then I told him my family had spared no expense with my pressies this year. He sympathized and said, “Not even a pair of socks?” Yep, his advice was completely invaluable to me. That’s right! It was useless. When we cleared that lot up, he told me he was going to ‘Bucharest’. I told him he really deserved one. Is it any wonder that world understanding is a tricky business? As the crossword compiler said, “I’m looking forward to my anagram from the Queen at 100!”Actually, maybe you could help me. A nurse said to me recently that I have a lovely BMI. Was she flirting or what? Anyway, I’ve gotta way with words. Yes, over the years, loads of them have slipped under the wire! Ho, ho, ho!

Yes, I’m still getting over Christmas and have just undecked the halls of holly etc., but I’m keeping my thermal vestibule on till spring. I had some nice wine, mostly ‘corkers’. Yes, I only use screwtops if I’m in a hurry! Boom, boom! Mind you, I did get some interesting pressies. A lady friend got me ‘meggings’ (Seems they are leggings for men.) Bit of a fashion faux pas! Where will I put my small change? Son-in-law bought me a gizmo called a ‘pea-pod’ or something. He said I could listen to Michael Bubbles on it. Do you know what he’s babbling on about? I accidentally on purpose gave him the same gift twice. Yes, it was actually a senior moment, but he might take the hint. It was a car anti-freeze kit. Maybe he’ll follow Ranulf Fiennes to the North Pole, get ambushed by a polar bear, and then use the anti-freeze so liberally he melts the iceberg he’s perched on. At least Ranulf and the polar bear can swim! Any hoo, I’ve got me eye on him, but he made me jump on Christmas day, when he rang my bell to collect me for lunch. In my panic, or perhaps as a sensible precaution, I pulled the emergency cord instead of the door release! Hey ho!

My daughter gave me the DVD I was after. Only thing is, I tend to exterminate the TV reception, when I switch to DVD. Son-in-law tried to explain it with a flipchart. Something about DVD = EMC squared? Sounds relatively simple. Any road, the folks in my home for the terminally bewildered think it’s Christmas every day. They’re always singing and wearing funny hats! Tell you what, though, next year I’m giving the family cards and vouchers. Choosing pressies is crazy. I bought a toy fire engine for my granddaughter and Barbie for my grandson. Hopefully my daughter will work it out somehow?

Anyway, how am I in myself at the start of 2013? Well, not half wise enough, but like an unmanned space probe looking for life on Mars, I’m gazing up at the stars and ready for ‘take-off’. Like the late Sir Patrick Moore of the ‘Sky at Night’ fame and David Bowie (Starman-Ziggy Stardust) at 66 with his new music, I’m going to stay enthusiastic and open-minded. Is there intelligent life out there? Maybe, but sometimes I’m not convinced there’s a lot of it here on Earth! I’m going to keep hope burning bright anyway. Reminds me, I must stop burning my sausages. They set off the smoke alarm and the fire brigade came out twice. They joked that I was using them to tell when they’re done. Any road, they were happy when I shared out the hotdogs! Besides the above, my feet are my ‘Achilles heels’ literally. My walking is so tricky that I have to tell my legs what to do. I make a pretty spectacle toddling along, mumbling, “Left, right! Come on, lads, get a move on!” If I struck lucky and got a match for a date, I would have to go on roller-skates or lean on a shopping trolley to keep up with the lady. A bit impractical in a cinema?

No, the romance stakes could be better, but sometimes I get a nibble. Sounds more exciting than it is. By the way, my friendly podiatrist is pregnant and before you ask, it’s nothing to do with me. I haven’t got a ‘foot’ in the door there! I did, however, get a lunch invite last week from a lady and her hubby. They collected me in their ‘Matsabushy Shotgun’ or some such. It was so high up I had to mount it like a horse climbing Annapurna. Doggone, they even brought their enormous pooch, which got rather familiar with me in the back seat area. I’m sure she fancies me. The lady, not the dog. I don’t know, though. They’re only human after all! Anyway, the only real sniff of romance recently was when I fell on my nose in the street and then fell even harder for the nurse at the hospital. She’s defo on my Christmas card list!

Well, I must go and have some adventures. My daughter has renovated my ‘Columbo’ coat after my fall, so I can resume my enquiries into where all my lady friends are ‘hiding out’. Mind you, I’d better find my specs to see my way. I vainly tried in vain to avoid wearing them, but ended up watching the TV with a magnifying glass. Wish me luck in my quest for life in full Technicolor high definition! I wish you all you wish yourselves! Finally, all the best to Nelson Mandela!

Yours seeing through a glass darkly, yet in clear HD,

The Blogging Gogfather (Your friendly, equal opportunities grumpy ol’ geezer)