Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Mr William 'saves' World! (All on his own)

Mr William ‘saves’ World! (All on his own)

Good Morrow, dear and no doubt economically pressured Reader,

Forgive me, reader, for I am in turmoil. At age 87, that’s the norm and I don’t mean uncle Norm (Although he’s probably in turmoil too). You see, there are 2 things you should know about me (and don’t be misled-great word that for mispronouniation-by my reputation). Firstly, I care about everyone and everything. For example, I’m recycling like mad. Yes, I’ve got on my ‘Norman Tebbit’ bike! (Sorry, you have to be British and of a certain age to get that reference!) You could say I’m saving the world single-handedly; well, that’s because I only use one hand. Don’t ask, reader! It just gets too complicated! Well, anyway, I recycle everything, except old jokes. Yes, I’m all original, although the boffins say our bods recycle themselves constantly through our lives. It’s something like Doctor Who regenerating, but slower and without the special effects!

The second thing you need to know about me is that I’m basically a troglodyte. Yes, folks, unless you’re Stephen Fry or of that ilk, I’m saying that I’m a cave-man. Now, before you jump in and say you always had me down as one, due to my views on some things, I actually mean that I am a bit of a loner and love to live quietly in my ‘cave’. Two things to clear up there. Firstly, it never stops me getting out and chasing the ladies and secondly, the house is not literally cut into a rock; no, it’s a brick semi on a hillside. Thing is, the rellies that I love dearly (Despite their many obvious faults, particularly the eejit son-in-law, who ‘helps’ produce my diary), want me to move to more ‘supported’ accommodation, in case I go gaga, and I don’t mean Lady Gaga. (I don’t know, though. I can be outrageous and I do like meat, although I don’t normally wear it, not deliberately anyway!) They all mean well, but it’s hard to winkle myself out of my cave at 87! Just think how much the neighbours would miss my singing and accidental appearances at the door with my dressing gown ajar? A wardrobe malfunction, I think they euphemistically call it? Flashing by mistake is what I call it!

Anyway, I know my home is not perfect. Whose is? Although, my smarmy son-in-law reckons his is. I think I’ll let off a stink bomb there next Sunday to wipe the smirk off his face, but he’d probably accuse me of having a tummy malfunction. Mind you, that would not be a surprise as I have succumbed to ‘PC world’ (Not the computer place) and have started eating my greens, beans and wholemeal. It’s like joining the ‘arty farty’ party, if you catch my drift, and you probably will. I reckon 5-a-day helps you fart, rest and play. Advertisers, try that as a catchy slogan! If you manage it all, you’re a better man than I am, ‘Bunged-it-in’, as Kipling might have said if he were writing for the Carry On movies! Mind you, my practical issue with food and ‘saving’ the planet is my memory. I buy my goodies, get mixed up and miss the sell by dates, then pop them into the recycler, when they’re whiffy. Some critics, like the son-in-law, have suggested I cut out the ‘middle-man’ and simply buy the food and put it straight into the bin. Philistine!

Yes, my place is not perfect, although it is for me. My furniture is so old and tatty, I became blue. So, I had it distressed, it made me depressed and that my friends is all true! (That was just my little joke—very little?) Also, my house fell into disrepute, sorry disrepair. I got it fixed, but I only had a red bulb for the porch-light. That raised a few eyebrows! I can’t raise mine; they’re too bushy and heavy. Anyway, I don’t want to disturb the rare nesting birds in them. I’m doing my eco-friendly bit! Did I tell you, I went further on the ‘eco’ thing and set up a bird table? What a ‘Craig ‘Revile’ Horwood’ disaaaster that was! The birds were happy. I’m good, as you know, at making ‘birds’ happy. Thing was, it attracted all the local cats. The moggies used my garden as a ‘convenient’ Commercial Convention Centre; yes, they came from all around to ‘do their business’ in my borders! They also seemed to go for the vegetarian option on the menu and nibbled all my petunias! It’s hard to be an ‘eco-warrior’!

Any rate, got to go shortly (No, not that kind of going!) Firstly, I have to shoo the cats, (Jimmy Shoos, perhaps?), then I have to see my doc, Ima Gunna-Killyall, about my ‘frozen’ shoulder. I went ‘baltic’ with pain, when it happened. Ironically, it’s not cold, just sore, but could freeze up, if I don’t work it. Shooing the cats with manic gestures might help? Seems polar bears originated in Ireland during the Ice Age. That might explain why it’s always ‘freezin’ round here? Just some final thoughts. Bought a CD in the ‘Poundshop’ by a lesser-known French Country & Western star called Patsy de Cline! There’s so much reality TV on, I’m glued to the box. Yes, I’ve stuck a box over my head and switched my hearing aid off! Bad idea that, switching the hearing aid off. Misheard several things in the shops today. Firstly, I thought they said, “Michael Winner finally ‘beds’ his love of 50 years”, (Slow worker, I thought!); secondly, I bought some meat at the ‘deli’ counter and then the assistant proffered ‘cheeses’. I thought he was taking the Lord’s name in vain. Then lastly, the encounter, where I nearly had a connery on the spot. A lady was talking to a friend and said she had ‘acute angina’! Please, never let me go out again without the hearing aid. Life is complicated enough!

Yours always caring, yet showing you the ‘cold shoulder’,

The Blogging Gogfather!
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Thursday, 1 September 2011

Mr William 'goes with the flow'!

Mr William ‘goes with the flow’!

Good morrow, dear and ‘time-poor’ Reader,

Thank you so much for spending a little of your precious time on an ol’ codger’s ramblings! I hope the reward will be happy smiles. You see, right now, I’m in ‘full flow’ and as the Bard said something about taking things ‘at the flood’, I will endeavour to pour out my soul to you. Can we talk in confidence? I will whisper the next bit; I have had a few ‘plumbing’ problems and not house-related! Well, I may have allured to this last time, but imagine my frustration, reader, to find that every loo-seat recently seems to have a will of its own and begins to descend, when I eventually reach the state of Nirvana i.e. full flow. The bally things fall before my eyes. If the descent is slow, I panic and don’t know whether to continue or attempt the impossible and stop mid-flow! If the seat suddenly falls, well, it’s curtains for the rug. What a kafuffle! Just wait until you’re 87 and you’ll see! It’s not easy to maintain my matinee idol status after a ‘Niagara Falls’ incident! My daughter says I should sit down, but I’ve decided to stand my ground!

Yes, old age is cruel. People ask me the secret of long life. I say, “Keep breathing!” I know it sounds facetious, but you have to be philosophical, like the man who could always see both sides of an argument. Said he was a ‘lateral’ thinker! Heard some quotes about longevity; Sir Malcolm Sargent, the music conductor etc was asked to what he attributed his long life. (This was clearly before he died; he would have been a little taciturn after!) He said, “To the fact that I haven’t died yet!” Nice and pithy, eh? I try to hold back Father Time (Why can’t it be ‘Mother’ Time? Who decides these things?). Yes, I got a new mobile phone and it has an ‘abort’ option to end a call. I like that. It makes me feel like James Bond aborting a mission and then running off with an impossibly beautiful lady, normally in a speedboat or Lamborghini. Mind you, I accidentally left the blasted thing at my son-in-law’s and the smarmy git rang me on it and deigned to say he would return it. What a plonker! I wish I could ‘abort’ him sometimes!

Anyway, I still have my two abiding interests; ladies and model trains. My doc, Ima Gunna-Killyall said I should maybe slow down a little and so the trains have been shunted into the sidings. I just chase the ladies at a sedate pace and then chat. Mind you, they are queuing up for my attention, like bees round a honey-pot or flies around a cowpat. I’ll let you decide, but be kind to an ol’ war hero with a dodgy bladder! I hear today about ‘cuts’ in the Ghurkas and not with their kukris. No, it’s the unkindest cut of all. The UK government are asking Ghurkas to take ‘voluntary’ redundancy. They would rather commit hare Kari. Shame on the government!

Talking about age and stuff, I need a haircut. (It’s the grey one over my left ear!) Trouble is, I will only let a bloke into my tonsorial regions. Ladies make me nervous, when I chat to them and they’re holding scissors! Well, the bloke in question is on his last legs, but I’ve told him he can’t shuffle off this mortal boil until I go first. Let’s hope ‘Mother Nature’ helps me out there! (There we are again, randomly anthropomorphising, and so early in the day!) Let’s face it, I do have a few miles on my clock and my ticker is a bit dodgy. For most of my life, I didn’t even know that garlic existed, and, when I did, I didn’t want it. My wife and now my daughter manage to successfully hide it in food and I don’t notice, but I’ll never be a Frenchman! Anyway, I couldn’t drink wine that slowly and pretend it wasn’t just a fruit drink with firewater included!

Any road, there seem to be experts for everything now and they all want to spout on TV. I could be one. You only have to state the obvious and look earnest and confident. It helps apparently if you raise your intonation at the end of every sentence and say things like, “Your glass should be half-full and not half-empty!” followed by a lingering stare down the camera. Let’s hope Dave ‘camera on’ Cameron can sort out the UK’s ‘ills’, now that we are officially a ‘sick’ society, or else the prognosis is not good! Mind you, the sickest in society are the shameless looters, who go in and take all they can get their greedy hands on. Yes, I mean the dodgy MPs, bankers, tax dodgers, as well as the rioters and benefit cheats! Also I thought the PCs were too ‘pc’, but that’s Britain for you. Anyway, rant over for today.

Speaking of the goggle box, have you noticed that BBC types often say, “We have news from home and ‘a broad’.”? Not very pc way to talk about a lady. Wonder if she is an expert on foreign ‘affairs’? I see also that the ‘Speaker’s’ wife, Sally Bercow had no ‘Commons’ sense and did her own thing in the public gaze. Now that she is ‘out’, perhaps ‘Order, order’ can be restored!

Hey ho, got to go. Going to my daughter’s for dinner. Hope it’s not like last time. I brought 3 desserts, 2 healthy jelly wobblers and a pud they know I like. Well, I politely offered them first choice and the son-in-law snaffled mine. That’ll teach me, but I’ll fix him. Next time I’ll lace it with a laxative, but knowing my luck, he’ll twig and leave it for me!
Before I go, a word to the wise. Live your life to the full! I went to a house clearance auction recently. People picked over the contents of someone’s life and paid peanuts. Put people before things and live and love to the max!

Yours slightly strained, but in full flow,

The blogging Gogfather