Thursday, 1 September 2011

Mr William 'goes with the flow'!

Mr William ‘goes with the flow’!

Good morrow, dear and ‘time-poor’ Reader,

Thank you so much for spending a little of your precious time on an ol’ codger’s ramblings! I hope the reward will be happy smiles. You see, right now, I’m in ‘full flow’ and as the Bard said something about taking things ‘at the flood’, I will endeavour to pour out my soul to you. Can we talk in confidence? I will whisper the next bit; I have had a few ‘plumbing’ problems and not house-related! Well, I may have allured to this last time, but imagine my frustration, reader, to find that every loo-seat recently seems to have a will of its own and begins to descend, when I eventually reach the state of Nirvana i.e. full flow. The bally things fall before my eyes. If the descent is slow, I panic and don’t know whether to continue or attempt the impossible and stop mid-flow! If the seat suddenly falls, well, it’s curtains for the rug. What a kafuffle! Just wait until you’re 87 and you’ll see! It’s not easy to maintain my matinee idol status after a ‘Niagara Falls’ incident! My daughter says I should sit down, but I’ve decided to stand my ground!

Yes, old age is cruel. People ask me the secret of long life. I say, “Keep breathing!” I know it sounds facetious, but you have to be philosophical, like the man who could always see both sides of an argument. Said he was a ‘lateral’ thinker! Heard some quotes about longevity; Sir Malcolm Sargent, the music conductor etc was asked to what he attributed his long life. (This was clearly before he died; he would have been a little taciturn after!) He said, “To the fact that I haven’t died yet!” Nice and pithy, eh? I try to hold back Father Time (Why can’t it be ‘Mother’ Time? Who decides these things?). Yes, I got a new mobile phone and it has an ‘abort’ option to end a call. I like that. It makes me feel like James Bond aborting a mission and then running off with an impossibly beautiful lady, normally in a speedboat or Lamborghini. Mind you, I accidentally left the blasted thing at my son-in-law’s and the smarmy git rang me on it and deigned to say he would return it. What a plonker! I wish I could ‘abort’ him sometimes!

Anyway, I still have my two abiding interests; ladies and model trains. My doc, Ima Gunna-Killyall said I should maybe slow down a little and so the trains have been shunted into the sidings. I just chase the ladies at a sedate pace and then chat. Mind you, they are queuing up for my attention, like bees round a honey-pot or flies around a cowpat. I’ll let you decide, but be kind to an ol’ war hero with a dodgy bladder! I hear today about ‘cuts’ in the Ghurkas and not with their kukris. No, it’s the unkindest cut of all. The UK government are asking Ghurkas to take ‘voluntary’ redundancy. They would rather commit hare Kari. Shame on the government!

Talking about age and stuff, I need a haircut. (It’s the grey one over my left ear!) Trouble is, I will only let a bloke into my tonsorial regions. Ladies make me nervous, when I chat to them and they’re holding scissors! Well, the bloke in question is on his last legs, but I’ve told him he can’t shuffle off this mortal boil until I go first. Let’s hope ‘Mother Nature’ helps me out there! (There we are again, randomly anthropomorphising, and so early in the day!) Let’s face it, I do have a few miles on my clock and my ticker is a bit dodgy. For most of my life, I didn’t even know that garlic existed, and, when I did, I didn’t want it. My wife and now my daughter manage to successfully hide it in food and I don’t notice, but I’ll never be a Frenchman! Anyway, I couldn’t drink wine that slowly and pretend it wasn’t just a fruit drink with firewater included!

Any road, there seem to be experts for everything now and they all want to spout on TV. I could be one. You only have to state the obvious and look earnest and confident. It helps apparently if you raise your intonation at the end of every sentence and say things like, “Your glass should be half-full and not half-empty!” followed by a lingering stare down the camera. Let’s hope Dave ‘camera on’ Cameron can sort out the UK’s ‘ills’, now that we are officially a ‘sick’ society, or else the prognosis is not good! Mind you, the sickest in society are the shameless looters, who go in and take all they can get their greedy hands on. Yes, I mean the dodgy MPs, bankers, tax dodgers, as well as the rioters and benefit cheats! Also I thought the PCs were too ‘pc’, but that’s Britain for you. Anyway, rant over for today.

Speaking of the goggle box, have you noticed that BBC types often say, “We have news from home and ‘a broad’.”? Not very pc way to talk about a lady. Wonder if she is an expert on foreign ‘affairs’? I see also that the ‘Speaker’s’ wife, Sally Bercow had no ‘Commons’ sense and did her own thing in the public gaze. Now that she is ‘out’, perhaps ‘Order, order’ can be restored!

Hey ho, got to go. Going to my daughter’s for dinner. Hope it’s not like last time. I brought 3 desserts, 2 healthy jelly wobblers and a pud they know I like. Well, I politely offered them first choice and the son-in-law snaffled mine. That’ll teach me, but I’ll fix him. Next time I’ll lace it with a laxative, but knowing my luck, he’ll twig and leave it for me!
Before I go, a word to the wise. Live your life to the full! I went to a house clearance auction recently. People picked over the contents of someone’s life and paid peanuts. Put people before things and live and love to the max!

Yours slightly strained, but in full flow,

The blogging Gogfather

1 comment:

  1. Mr William, what do you put your long life down to?
    "Wine, women and song, but I'm cutting down on the singing after the neighbours complained!"