Mr. William is a Pain and needs a good ‘Grilling’?
Good Morrow dear and hopefully chirpy Reader,
I’m doing my best to be chirpy, but it’s not easy at 87, what with my aches and pains (Which naturally include my son-in-law!) and the trials and tribulations of outrageous fortune (or lack of it)- not to mention the memory of a goldfish. Did I mention my pains? I saw my nurse again yesterday about my blood pressure and circulation. Yes, Sister Gorgona Borgia did the ‘bloods’ etc. I fear she probably left 2 bite marks in my neck! I relate to the story of the ol’ gog (Grumpy ol’ git) who went to his doc (No doubt, like mine- Dr. Ima Gunna Killyall!) and complained of pains. He said to the long-suffering quack that everywhere he touched hurt. The doc ran copious tests and the doc hauled him in- to mend his broken finger! Ha! It’s all how you look on it, isn’t it? I may be ancient, but I see myself as a fine vintage wine. (No comments from the hecklers, please, who allure to my ‘light’ consumption of the fire-water. It’s ‘light’, because I don’t agree with drinking in the dark. You spill too much!)
Anyway, some might look on ol’ geezers like me as a ‘pain’, just ‘cos we forget things and won’t go quietly into the night, but they need to remember that they will age and let’s see if they manage to have my zest for life. Right, that’s off my wee hairy chest, I can get on to my experiences recently. By the way, does the uber atheist, Richard Dawkins have a Christmas card list or has he x-ed ‘Xmas’? Also did you hear that Mick Jagger said to a cheeky bloke, “Do you know who I am?” The bloke said, “No, but you could ask nurse on the way out!” Any rate, a few ups and downs to report. I needed a dishwasher (Well, I say need, but I just don’t want to waste good gallivanting time on scrubbing pots!) Plumber arrives and asks where my ‘stopcock’ is. I replied in all honesty, “I don’t know, but stop calling me cock!” That lead to a minor water kafuffle, but not as bad as the ‘foolproof’ shower, or so they told me. It’s walk in with a door and a seat. The seat I got, but door was ajar and a tsunami ensued. Clearly not ‘foolproof’? I also burnt my knobs. Yes, the ones on the cooker. I didn’t know I had to close the grill door! I got a good grilling from the rellies and the supplier! Hey-ho! I need a woman to keep me on the right path. More later!
Any road, memory is tricky for me. I like what my life-coach, Ida Nissue, says. “Bad memory just makes you discriminating about what you remember!” Pure poetry! (A little bit screwy as well?) I like another of hers. “Embrace change, but don’t get so cosy, you have to have a shotgun wedding!” Talking about embracing, my daughter’s dog just loves me. It’s gets so excited when I arrive that it attaches itself to my undercarriage. Well, it’s only ‘human’, after all? Last time, it got so carried away, it threw up on the mat. (Not another critic, I hope?)
Valentine’s Day was fun for me this year. Thrice I offered a different damsel in distress a token of lurve i.e. a card with a delightful ditty. They all seemed delirious with delight. Well, they certainly rocked on their heels, but I normally have that effect on ladies. I’ve still got it. As they say, I started off with nothing and I’ve still got most of it left! One of the damsels was my ‘natural’ blonde podiatrist. Well, she’s ‘back to blonde’. (Not in an Amy Winehouse type way!) She also has a ‘natural’ gift for making me feel like I’m walking on air and that’s not just her podiatry skills. She is also my financial guru. She said I would weather the recession. She really has her ‘finger on the footsie’! She also has a lovely twinkle in her eye. I think it’s the glass one glinting off the fluorescent strip light? So romantic, unlike the real deal on offer called the ‘Divorce Package’. Apparently you take your spouse, not to be for much longer, on a 2 week package to the Dominican Republic and do the dumping divorce in the sun. Sounds like a real bundle of laughs? No, I like romance and colour, although my childhood was all in black and white and occasionally black and blue when I misbehaved!
I had several unusual romances in my younger days. I was an identical twin and once got my physog slapped when I went out with my brother’s girlfriend. Also dentists have always had their teeth into me. I was waiting in the dentist’s antechamber of fear, when a vision of Marilyn Munro loveliness started chatting me up. She was called up to see Dr. Phil McAvity and as I waited for my filling, she must have got hers. She was there for an hour and the screaming wasn’t just coming from the patient! When she came down, she kissed me on the cheek and I realised that the dentist had extracted my heartthrob- without anaesthetic! He made my toothbrush bristle that day and I have been wary of the glint in dentists’ eyes ever since!
I’ll tell you about one more romantic encounter and then I will scoot off. This one was bitter sweet. It was wartime and I was an army officer in the Far East. (Burma to be exact, now Myanmar). I was on the good ship ‘Liberty’ i.e. a few days’ leave and everything was full of ‘eastern promise’. A lovely local girl passed me in the bar, like ships in the night (Not the Titanic thankfully). We both took liberties and, as she was from India, I called her my ‘Bird of Paradise from Bangalore’. It was lurve and we were like ‘cats on a hot tin roof’ in the barmy, balmy heat! Sadly that ship sailed and I never saw her again. Actually, now that you bring it up, I did write to Aung San Suu Kyi, when she was kind of at a loose end, to see if she knew of the whereabouts of my young love. I didn’t know the girl’s name, but I gave a full description. I haven’t had a reply yet, but I know that the great lady is a little busy at present.
Hey-ho! What have we learnt here? My hearing’s not great, but did you say that romance is not dead? (At least, I think that’s what you said?) Well, I leave you this thought. Life is for living, even if you are ‘cashtrated’. I laugh a lot- especially at the guy who ‘streaked’ on Easyjet. I thought there was a ‘nut’ ban? Barefaced cheeks? Did you see Robert Vaughan doing a cameo role in Roy’s Rolls on Coronation Street? Well, I’ll be a ‘monkey’s uncle’! (Get it? Not Darwin or Dawkins but ‘The Man from Uncle’. Ah well, never mind!)
Before I go and buy that Perry ‘Coma’ (sic) CD, I want to wish my friend well. He hit ‘rock bottom’! Yes, he and Rock slugged it out in the ring! Also I wish the Rev. Dr. Ian Paisley well. He’s a radical colossal figure, unlike some clerical ‘madicals’ I won’t name. Good luck to Northern Ireland, my homeland. We have the Titanic centenary. We hope that ‘goes down’ well, along with our golfing triumphs. You know that some of the first aviators like Amelia Earhart and Alcock & Brown (Not made-up names!) landed here in ‘Norn Irn’ after epic flights. So, friends, drop in anytime?
Yours a little pained, but always smiling,