Good Morrow dear and sublimely tasteful reader,
I’m a bit dizzy today. It might be my ‘vertical hold’ or something, like my old black and white TV, or even blocked-up cocksicks or whatever. I’m not an actual doc, so I don’t know for sure. What I do know for sure is that a combination of the fine weather, the Royal ‘Knees Up’ and my own local affairs has knocked me off kilter!
Never mind anything else, it is very distracting round here--one dry day and all the ladies are out in ‘their figure’ as we say. Let’s say it leaves virtually nothing to the imagination; normally, that’s what I rely on. We have a good sense of humour here in ‘Norn Irn’. Mind you, it has a touch of the ‘gallows’ about it. Irony is that no one gets hanged, no matter what they do! Anyway, on the bright side, I like Terry Wogan’s quip that “people with gynormous wide-screen TVs don’t seem to be able to afford living-room curtains”! Nice one, Tel!
My local affairs? Well, an item appeared on my bank statement, which meant diddlysquat to me. Took days to sort out and I’m no wiser now. (No comments, please! I can read your minds.) Some people obviously think I’m Mr Gullible from ‘Gullible’s Travails’! The bank that likes to say ‘yes’ said they had no idea. Obviously, they like to say yes to every to every Tom, Dick Turpin and Harry who asks for my money! I finally found the ‘culprit’. It was legit, but a service I no longer need, and before you speculate, it was neither my subscription to Mensa nor my standing order for viagra. I never have had need of either. You can work that through yourselves. Getting on, I rang the firm and instead of cancelling my payment arrangement, they sold me something else. So, that’s all sorted. I’m certainly not going to be duped twice, although my smarmy son-in-law says I would buy from every passing, ‘cold-hearted-calling’ tinker on the phone. Who does he think he is, Mr Money-Expert.com or something?
Any road, the ‘PeepMobile’ went through the ‘MOT’ with flying colours; the colour is mostly bright red and I do the flying. Parp, parp! To celebrate, I went to the shopping centre and bought a book about a lady spy. Got it in the ‘Pound’ shop. I can spot a bargain. I heard that people were trying to get a ‘cash back’ from Iceland recently. So, I went to my local store and they looked amused and bemused! By the way, bumped into the lady whose hubby is ‘up the Amazon’. She has a habit of putting her face up to mine when she’s speaking. It gives me the willies. I’m gonna snog her if she does that next time. Wish me luck?!
What about the Royal Wedding bash? Bashful Kate, now the Duchess of Cambridge. Lovely. Congrats to them! I bawled my lamps out ‘til a few amusing things occurred to me. Firstly, the egregious amount of Wedding tat. You had to have ‘Wedding fever’ to buy the stuff! Then there was the advance announcement that stalkers or anyone ‘suss’ would be lifted ‘suss’ style, just in case. I worried about ‘Protestant’ clerics, who clearly professionally protest their faith. It would have been a little embarrassing if the ‘Arch Bish’ had been lifted just before the vows. Anyway, if the worry was about peeps acting suspiciously, what about Duke ‘Phil the Greek’? He always needs watching, in case he puts his foot in his mouth! I actually bought a china replica of my pet dog; it’s a ‘King Charles spaniel’. For me, the irony wasn’t lost that my china dog and Prince Charles will both be purely ornamental! Mind you, they’re both well house-trained!
Personally, the best fun for me about the wedding came from some of the supporting players. There was the funster-munster Prince ‘I’m always up for a larrf!’ Harry. While William looked regal in bearing and was no ‘slouch’, Harry slouched about and then nipped into Edward the Confessor’s Crypt for the signing with Pippa, Kate’s sister. I wondered if he had anything to confess after, as he and she emerged pink-cheeked. Just my overdeveloped imagination? Noticed the Foreign Secretary’s wife FFFFion arrived with a leg plaster, being propelled in a wheelchair. What a trooper? No, not her, the soldier who was pushing her. Bet she didn’t get that injury in the ‘front-line’ of duty in Afghanistan! Cameron, the toff, who is trying to kid us he isn’t, encouraged us all to have street parties. Maybe he was trying to prepare us for being made homeless after the cuts?
Any rate, at least Tone Blair and Cherie weren’t invited, although it is ironic that Kate’s uncle from Ibiza and her local pub landlord, together with the crowned heads of some dodgy regimes were. It all gets a bit odd. Anyway, Elton was there. I wondered how the baby was going to get its breast milk. Maybe he expressed some from the ol’ ‘moobs’, before he left? By the way, is it only me that wants someone to call out, “I do.” when the exalted rev. asks if anyone has any just cause or impediment and then asks them to ‘hold their piece’? Strange, yet always leads to a pregnant pause. Yes, that will be the next of it; ‘constipating’ the marriage and offspring. Did you wonder with me if Kate’s first regal act was to get out of that dress and exercise the privilege of the Royal ‘wee’? Well, you would have after all that! Main thing, though, the day went off without a ‘hitch’ except the intended one! Romance and the Royal brand are alive and well. Great. I still remember, by the way, the feeling of walking past Buckingham Palace on VE Day in my Ghurkha officer’s uniform and being saluted by the guardsmen. What a feeling and what an honour! Yesterday brought it all back, those feelings of joy, pride, optimism and romance. I’ll stop before I bawl again.
Before I dash, I nearly had a connery the other day. Michael Palin was on TV. Thought he said he’d just made a 4-parter “Exotic series on ‘bras’! Sadly, it was Brazil, but I’ll look in anyway. See they’re dumping ‘Best Before’ dates on food; maybe that will stop the wags (Not the chavvy footie ones) who say I have passed mine! Yes, I’m off to the post office as I heard on the radio something about a ‘sexual license’ and they were trying to do away with it. So, I’m going to apply before they stop doing them. Hey ho! One more chore to bother about, just to get by as an ol’ geezer! Have a great day! Wonder if that lady spy will be watching me as I drive by? Well, she’s only human and I am a matinee idol!
Yours warmly yet avoiding cold calls,
The Blogging GogFather
(If you are new to my diary, ‘Gog’ stands for ‘Grumpy ol’ geezer or git’. You can choose.)
Image by dragon762w via Flickr
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