Mr. William likes to
‘Monkey’ around!
Dear and hopefully
gainfully occupied Reader,
I hope you are well and are
sitting comfortably, as I want to share some things. It’s now autumn, season of
mellow fruitfulness and a nasty draft round the ‘Trossachs’. Time to reach for
your thermals; at least it is here in Western Europe. I’ve got a few
harassments. What’s new there, you say? Yes, I’ve got the ‘lurgy’- a sore
throat heading towards terminal man flu, so apols for the croaky writing.
Please say ah! I’ve got my rellies
passing my ‘necessaries’, like the daily paper, under the door. Well, I don’t
need any more bugs! No offence to them, but that son-in-law always bugs me. He
giggles when I cough and splutter. I think he’s into ‘schadenfreude’, but some
day he’ll slip up on a banana and I’ll chuckle. Is that Freudian or what? Am I
paranoid or are they all out to get me? Don’t answer that!
If this ‘bug’ doesn’t clear
up, I may have to ‘insult’ my doc, Willy See-me or his colleague, Willy
Hear-me: both ‘Dicks’ are as useful as a chocolate tea-pot! I’ll give it a few
days. I could consult my life-coach, Billy Can; he’s really positive and could
re-align my chakras, but he’d have to watch my gammy hips. Anyway, I’ve been
amusing myself, (Totally innocently, I’ll have you know!) listening to the
radio. My ironic favourite is the very popular local offering, where a jolly
lady cooks on the radio and the presenter says ‘yum’ at appropriate intervals.
They could be smoking a ciggy and playing cards for all we know? Truly a
‘feast’ for the ears! I also heard that a US child psychologist reckons you
should copy a child’s speech patterns, when they’re literally throwing their
toys out of the pram. He says we should see them as ‘cavemen’. So we should
just ‘ape’ them? What next? Are we descended from apes/monkeys? Well, I’ve been
studying my son-in-law for clues, as he’s the hairiest and most unevolved
creature I know. Conclusions? Well, despite civilisation’s best efforts, his
knuckles trail dangerously close to the ground and he devours bananas at a
fiercesome rate. Not being scientifically bent, I’ll leave this matter to
greater minds.
Well, the ape thing reminds
me of my days in the army, when I would ‘monkey’ around even more than now. I
was once on a ship in Singapore. You didn’t need a thermal vest there. You
could fry your eggs on the deck. Thing was, monkeys (Not the groovy band from
the 60’s) would get aboard on supply boats and those dudes were strong, crafty
and very tricky. There were scavenging after anything they could get. (Think
dodgy bankers?) If you had a banana in your hand, it would be whipped away
faster than an MP getting his expenses! So, there was yours truly prancing
about on deck in full uniform. I was just going through a hatch door, when,
unbeknownst to me, a cheeky monkey reached down and swiped my hat. That was the
last I saw of it and a senior officer nearly put me on a charge. Claiming a
monkey nicked your cap did not impress the top brass. They thought you were a
silly ass!
While I was in India, the
danger was not always the enemy. You got ‘friendly fire’ from your own side
monkeying around. Once, a gang of paratroopers chucked me into a nullah- a
ditch. Yes, drink had been taken by all concerned. My version of the tale ends
with me being rescued from the nullah by a mullah called Abdullah! (Yes, my
poetic license is still fully up to date!) There was also the rabid dog thing.
Yea, rabies is deadly and, on one occasion, an infected dog broke its chain and
bit my finger. So, I had to get the injections and boy that was painful. They
were jabbed into your tum for a week and left you doubled up, but you had to
laugh! Then there was the time I got plastered and got on a train to Bombay.
Don’t ask me why! As a Ghurkha officer,
one of my loyal men went with me to protect me. I have little recollection of
it all, but I was blotto and he was armed to the teeth. The aftermath? Let’s
just say I had a lot of explaining to do to General Disaster on my return. It
was not a sympathetic, cosy chat and I was glad when he stopped roaring, as I
had an almighty headache! I think I enjoyed the monkeying around, as I’m a fun
guy, as opposed to fungi, although there’s ‘mushroom’ for debate. Ha! Believe
it or not, I look back on it all as a fun and exciting time, even though some
of it was a pain in the butt, belly and just about every other part.
Some peeps can only hark
back to the old days and don’t get much fun out of the present. Not I, me lud!
I make sure every day is an adventure, even though my chats with some ladies
court disaster. For instance, how am I to know if a lady is expectorating in
the family way or has just eaten too many pies? A polite enquiry as to due date
can get you a fat lip! Also it’s hard to know if your chat up lines are
working, but I was crestfallen, when a lady I was regaling started to point at
random strangers claiming they were her boyfriend. Mind you, one was
shaven-headed, so it was a ‘close shave’ for me. At my age, it’s too risky to
dabble in a love triangle or a pas de deux. I might get triangulated by an
irate bloke! Hey-ho! One lady at my home for the occasionally bewildered keeps
crossing the line though, quite literally. Yep, her car gets up close and
personal with mine, when she strays into my space. I don’t want to get pranged
or dinged. My no claims bonus is already heading for the knackers yard!
Any road, I have enough
hassles. My hearing is worse. I thought they said the warder (warden) was ‘going
incontinent’. Poor dear, I thought, till I finally twigged she had gone to France
for a week! Then the pesky son-in-law said some tosh about using ‘Control P’ on
his computy thingy. I told him that was easier for him to do than me. In
church, ‘Hear ye, O brethren!’ is now a bit lost on me. Mind you, I hear enough
to get by and what you don’t hear, you don’t know about, which is good when my
lot are chatting about me. Anyway tempus fugit and fuses my brain. Did I tell
you I have to carry out self-examinations now after every meal? Yes, before I
stand up, I have to check for collateral damage on my lap. If I’ve spilt soup
round the ‘fork’, I have to carry out damage limitation or the residents will
think I’ve had a ‘wikileak’, again!
Anyhoo got to go shortly as
a wee man is coming to digitalise me today. Well, the cable TV, not me personally,
but while he’s here I could check if they offer that service. Son-in-law says I
should invest in a ‘fat’ screen or 3D. What is he on about? Anyway, a few
snippets. You know the way I’m friendly? Well, I’m sort of clubbable as well.
Misunderstanding time with my golfer friend. He was pulling his socks on and
was seemingly boasting about a ‘hole in one’. How was I to know he meant his
sock? By the way, wasn’t the Ryder Cup golf a roller coaster? Norn Irn
(Northern Ireland) golfers are great (Not that I’m biased), but could somebody
get Rory an alarm clock or I’ll have a ‘connery’! Things peeps say. Head
teacher on radio, “Our uniform is the ‘fabric’ of our school.”Duh! Also
announcement in press, “Lord (so and so) was supposed to perform the ceremony, but
he died last month, so he won’t be able to do it.” This week’s prize for
stating the bloomin’ obvious?
Hope the digitalised man
will show up soon. In the meantime, I’ll play that CD from the ‘pound’ shop,
‘What’s new, Goldfinger?’ by a Leslie Brickhouse and his ‘partner’ Bert
Backingtrack. Nice!
Just remember that life is
for living to the full and a bit of monkeying around can add to the spice of
life and give you a lot of fun. Just make sure it’s legal and kind!
Yours happily with lots on
his shoulders including monkeys sometimes,
