Mr. William is a man of
great ‘statue’?
Dear and hopefully
clear-headed Reader,
I must confess that I am
becoming more and more befuddled and can forget what I have just said. I must
confess…whoops, nearly did it again! Well, I am 88 after all and my brain cells
flat lined on the Richter scale or whatever years ago, but I enjoy life, loving
people and chortling at the vagaries of what peeps do and say. I get most fun
from the quirkiness of language and how it can be serendipitously mangled to
amusing effect. For instance, my diary title today is known as a malapropism,
where real words are juxtaposed to produce a pleasing result. Let’s face it! I
may have lots of friends and folks seem to like me, but my stature is limited
vertically. I tend to look at ladies’ chests, not just because it’s a pleasant
pastime, but also because that’s where I usually come up to. I have to raise my
eyes above the hills to the heavens to gaze into a lady’s peepers. It’s a
tricky burden for a chap, who really does love and respect ladies, but unless I
carry round a box to stand on, I feel like Danny de Vito staring at Annapurna
(Nice girl I believe with snowy peaks!) Any road, I’m neither great of stature, nor is it likely they will erect a statue for me. I’d say the late and not
great Jimmy Savile would have more chance of a statue at Piccadilly Circus than
I would. Mind you, if he did get a monument, at least you could guarantee the
pigeons would poop on it?
Anyway, the thing is that
word combinations can be a joy. What about the hunter who said he was pursued
by an ‘allegory’ in the Florida swamps? That was an anecdote to get your teeth
into? One of my favourites is the cry of the ‘Carry On’ comedian, the fabuloso
Kenneth Williams, who, as Julius Caesar could see the conspirators approaching
and exclaimed, “Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it in fa me!” Nice one.
Well, before I tell you
about my recent antics, I see Pippa ‘Mid’ is not ‘behind’ in coming forward
with a book. It might show off her ‘assets’ from a different angle? Also, PM
‘Camera on’ has turned to his ol’ Tory friend, ‘Laura Norder’ (If you say it,
it will make sense. Law and order? No? Please yourselves!). Yes, the
Conservatives always do do this when they’re in the do-do and that’s what makes
them as endangered as the dodo! If they’re not careful, they’ll be hung out to
‘Crispin Dry’ at the next election? (Crispin Dry does sound like a good Tory
name, doesn’t it?) Talking of elections, I hope all you Americans get the
president who will serve your nation best. The recent mega storm certainly put
everything in perspective, didn’t it? I wish you all well. My take is that
President ‘O’Bama’(Now that he’s part Irish officially!) is worried ‘cos
Romnians are on the starboard bow! Takes me right back to ‘Star Wars’ and Ronnie
Reagan? I still chuckle when I recall him calling Princess Diana, “Princess
David”, but I can’t talk, as my memory went down the Klondike during the ‘Gold
rush’!
Any hoo, what have I been
up to, you may ask? Well, my housekeeper has just plumped up my cushions, so
that’s grand. What? Yes, one cushion had a tear, I had a tear. Now, I’ve dried
my eye and my lady that does has ‘sewn’ everything up. All good. Unlike some
things I could mention. For starters, the phone rang earlier and I thought it
was the fire alarm. It was so loud and unexpected, I almost had a ‘wikileak’!
Then my braces broke and I was nearly left ‘with my trousers down’. I’d just
covered my embarrassment, when I noticed my ‘vertical hold’ had gone. No, I’m
not alluring to my stature again. It’s the bloomin’ telly box on the blink.
I’ve asked the son-in-law to ‘cast his eye over it’. (No, he doesn’t have a
glass eye, but it’s about the only defect he doesn’t have!) He normally says
it’s some button I’ve pressed on the zapper. It’s true, I suppose. I can’t see
a button that I don’t want to press. Good thing I’m not a jet fighter pilot.
The ejector seat would get a lot of use.
I went to the optician
yesterday as my TV was blurred. (Turned out it was the 'extra terrestrial' switch off.
You’d think they would warn you about something like that?) Anyway, optician
said he would ‘see me right’. Everyone’s a comic! I told him to ‘focus’ on the
matter in hand if he wanted to ‘see eye to eye’ with me. As you can observe, I
didn’t resort to weak puns! Then had to go to dentist, Phil McAvity, for
another implant. It was as dear as cardiac surgery. He’s breaking my heart and
my bank balance! After that I saw my lady doc, Ima Gunna-Killyall. My throaty
cough and shivers were tending towards terminal man flu, for which there is no
known cure, as you know. Imagine if I popped my clogs and was ‘checking in’
with Saint Peter at the ‘Pearly Gates’ (She’s a well-known cabaret singer round
here.) and he suggested going to the other place to get ‘warmed up’? That
really would be a fate worse than death!
Well, mustn’t twitter on.
Got to go out for some grub shortly. After all, the world’s my lobster. (I just
‘caught’ yesterday’s fish before it went off.) I might bump into that lady
whose hubby is an eejit, sorry Egyptologist. She clearly fancies me, but she’s
in ‘de Nile’, much like her bloke! Did I tell you I have a ‘fatty liver’? Yep,
my doc, Ivor Scalpel, says I have to watch my diet. Am I turning into ‘foie
gras’? I have to laugh things off. You see, ten years ago, I had a stroke and
I’m now running on one cylinder and my legs feel like lead, but my good bits
outweigh my bad bits, so I’m ok! As Woody Allen says, “I don’t mind dying, I
just don’t want to be there when it happens!” You have to be a philosopher. As
my ol’ dad said, à propos of nothing, (Which was his will or wont), “If your
bobbin’s not wound on right, it’ll all go pear-shaped.” Did I mention he liked
to mix his metaphors?
I’ll dash on now and leave
you with a word to define. Expunge-is that an ex who takes you for all you’ve
got? Ha! No matter who or where you are and whatever you are going through,
please keep your chins up! I’m keeping both of mine up!
Yours, vertically
challenged, but always looking up,
