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Good Morrow dear Reader,
How are you? I’m a bit steamed up. May I remind you that I am 86-- going on 12, as you know? Well, you see, things seem to happen to me. It’s ‘kismet’ or ‘kiss me quick’ or something. There was I, seeing the optician (If you’ll exsqueeze the pun), and it was a cold, damp day; the blonde eye-lady eyed me up and asked me to put on my specs. As you can see, I examined her hair colour, before examining her other qualifications, displayed on the wall, but that’s just yours truly.
By the way, my daughter keeps trying to tell me that there are few ‘natural’ blondes out there and most would be as grey as badgers without a little help. I think she’s just trying to rain on my parade. Waste of time that, ‘cos my glass is always half-full- in fact, It’s generally filled to overflowing, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, back at the optician’s, I pulled out my specs from my warm pocket and when I put them on, I was disconcerted to find they had completely steamed up. After getting over the shock of thinking I had suddenly gone blind, I twigged on. Well, needless to say, the eye-lady noticed and she grinned without saying a word about it. Maybe she was used to having that effect on ‘ol lads?
That was not my first embarrassing moment in life, as you might guess, and it certainly won’t be the last. There was the time in my youth, when my mum decided to sew my swimming badges onto my bathing trunks. I went to the local outdoor ‘frreeeezing’ pool, (You even had to break the ice to swim in summer. Well, it is Ireland, after all.), and it was only when I noticed that my frontage was attracting a lot of female attention and even some males had a gawp, that I looked down and realised that my dear mum had proudly sewn my gold medal badge right over my ‘bull’s eye’, so to speak.
What a palaver. Some people were giggling so much that they fell in and almost asphyxiated themselves! My ‘pride and joy’ shrank even more, as you can imagine, although my visage was a rosy red furnace. Bathers could have dried their towels on my face. It’s a wonder I actually ever spoke to a girl again, never mind having the happy married life I went on to enjoy!
Well, as my life coach, Ima Knowtall, says, ‘Tomorrow, today will be yesterday’. Yes, I know what she means, but she doesn’t know what it is like to have a bit of the ‘Berlusconi’ factor, ‘cos I’m part Italian. Sometimes I’m shy and sometimes I have a little bit of the head-staggers and say stuff without aforethought. I often realise shortly after I receive a funny look that something is awry. I said to a shop assistant yesterday, when she mentioned applying for promotion, that she should ‘expose herself to new experiences’. Well, you would have thought by the stares of the young lady and the other customers that I had just nipped the Queen’s behind!
Did I tell you about my latest thing in church? Well, there I was, trying for all my might to concentrate on the vicar’s witterings, when I spied a label on the bloke in front of me’s jacket. He clearly had dressed for the Arctic, which, surprisingly, is quite far away from Northern Ireland. The label read, ‘South Pole Expedition 1990’. Anyway, I tackled him about the details of his ‘trek’ after the service, only to find that he had never set foot outside these islands. He said the label came with the coat. Well, that’s torn it! Next week, I’m getting a jacket with, ‘I was on the Moon 5 minutes before Armstrong’, plastered on the back for next week. What do you reckon?
Any road, before I go and check out the jacket, what about Mubarak? Could ‘Groundhog Day Phil’ tell us when Mubarak will ‘get outta town’? Also library closures a real possibility—what next, burning books? Whither culture? This will ‘wither’ culture! Hopefully you will join me in being a little philosophical about life. As my dad always used to say, ‘Your teeth are fine, but your gums will have to come out!’
Yours steaming but always ready to rock ‘n roll,
The blogging Gogfather!
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