Friday, 18 March 2011

Mr William's got the 'wind up' and 'squits' while he's ahead!

I’m pretty ‘steamed’ up myself. Between Japan and Libya, I’m really upset. I just want to get out there and help all the people in distress, but I can’t, ‘cos I’m just an old geezer, but I can pray and I can say my piece for peace in this little ‘ol diary of mine. Here goes, UN- get Gaddafi out and no more delays. There can be no more ‘innocent’ bystanders in this world. We are all responsible for each other. If we don’t see it that way, then what is life all about? You tell me. Shouldn’t it be about loving and caring about others?

Yes, I’ve really got the wind up. I’m wound up like a grandfather clock-appropriate in my case. Actually, it’s been so windy that my satellite dish blew off. Frankly, with my hearing, I didn’t realise until the ‘Rugby’ disappeared off my screen. ‘Try’ as I did, there was no score until the engineer found where my UFO had ‘touched down’. (In the neighbour’s garden actually.) My daughter asked if I had not noticed the roaring wind and when I said no, she mumbled something about me getting down to that ‘ear-man’ again. Yes, the one that relieved me of £1000. Unheard of-at least unheard of by me, with my hearing.

There are couple of things that have happened to me that I wanted to share with you. Firstly, if you are a smoker, give up. There is no good future in it. I was reminded of this when I went out into my garden last week on a sunny morning. I took a lung full of what I thought was fresh air, only to find my ‘puffing’ neighbour had polluted it. I coughed, she coughed and I gave that up ‘for a game of soldiers’. (If you haven’t heard that expression before, it’s a little euphemism army types invented to avoid expletives. Mostly they didn’t avoid the expletives. Nothing new there!).

Talking about ‘puffing’, an ol’ friend of mine used to ‘swear’ that smoking saved his life. You have to understand he was into dark humour. He lived until he was 90 and smoked since he was 15. He reckoned smoking gave him an extra 50 years, ‘cos he worked as an engineer on the railways. One day he was in the ‘pit’ under the train tracks, having a crafty ciggy, when, unknown to him, a train engine came up from behind him. Coincidentally, he dropped his ciggy and bent to pick it up. When he stood up, he saw the departing train and realised he was lucky to still have head attached to his bod. From that day, he told everyone that smoking had saved his life. Nice story, but trust me, smoking kills. Give it up while you can!

Funnily enough, the other day, I was out walking my little dog and lifting the odd bit of rubbish in my plastic bag—doing the ol’ civic duty, when I started to be aware of heavy footsteps behind me. I didn’t like to look behind and kept up my little routine. It was only when I got to my front gate when I turned round and saw that it had been the street-cleaner following me and he asked, grinning widely, if I was ‘trying to do him out of a job’. Hay-ho!

Anyway, pressing on, I went to the optician’s again, and surprise, surprise, I had forgotten my hearing aids. Apparently she said (And isn’t retrospect, a clever dick), “I think I’ve found a squint in your left eye.” I was already squinting at her anyway and took a buckle in my eye, as we say here, ‘cos I thought she said, “I’ve got the squits.” (You know, the ol’ thru penny bits, do I need to draw you a diagram. Please God, noo!). Well, I really got into the miry doo-doo and told her I was sorry to hear that. She said, “Don’t worry, Mr William, the good news is that they can be straightened these days”. Definitely too much information, I thought. Anyway, the misunderstanding was eventually ‘straightened out’ and no doubt, the ‘squint’ will be too!

Another lesson learnt though. Must wear the hearing aids. Was in church and was sure the vicar said that we should ‘rent our hearts’ for Lent. I thought the Rev. had gone too far this time with the fund-raising. Heart surgery is a big deal at my age! Would that be like ‘Hertz Van Rental’? It would certainly ‘hurt’ me. Any road, just joshing. Another misunderstanding was eventually sorted out, but the vicar lost me on what ‘rending my heart’ came down to in practical terms. Sounds a bit drastic!

Anyhoo, off to see the ear-man and give him a piece of my mind, although frankly there’s not much left. Wishing you all peace and God’s Blessing in abundance on this St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t do anything I would do, at least not before you check it out with someone sane, if you can find one. I can’t. That’s the trouble.

Yours squinting at you smilingly, with a little bit of a wind-up,

The blogging Gogfather!

Happy St Patrick's DayImage by Darwin Bell via Flickr
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