Mr William thinks he was ‘Cursed by an ol’ crone on a lonely moor’
Good Morrow dear, patient Reader,
My mind is all over the place today and when I heard the phrase in the title of today’s diary on Coronation Street, I felt it summed up my current state brilliantly. I know you might think my head’s always away with the fairies, but I can assure you that I normally have a slim grasp on reality, which gets me by. Any road, please forgive my ramblings today, which reflect the hectic nature of my octogenarian existence, stream of consciousness style!
What can I tell you about first? Well, home wise, the birdbath statue in the garden is attracting loads of attention from our feathered friends (And I don’t mean Lady Gaga in one of her more outrageous outfits). They, the birds bombard my garden and peck at my Aspidistra bush (Painful!). They have nicked 2 paintbrushes I stuck in the hole for the clothes line-pole. What are they doing with them? Knocking off some copies of the great masters for some ‘Monet’? The birds, like the ladies in my life, will pinch any memento they can. It’s my matinee idol, rock star status. Talking about status, I always hear bods saying the ‘Status Quo’ should be maintained. Tell me why conservative, serious types are so up for a band of hairy, ageing rockers? They must be off theirs!
Speaking of works of art, you probably know, I’m a bit of an amateur buff in that area, after the pound shop started stocking a regular supply of masterpieces. The pictures are stacked up now, but I have to go into my little gallery and have a dekko a few times each day. Gonna have to get a bigger house or start sticking them on the ceiling. Before you ask, there are no nudes, although some of the ladies in the pics do have a glint in their eye for me. Well, they’re only human! ….Sorry, housekeeper just asked me something. She said she had set out the nibbles for my daughter and son-in-law to come round for a ‘viewing’. She’s great, my woman that does, (It’s all in your own minds!) but she insists on putting out all my salted peanut supply for any visitors. I hate when people casually handle my precious nuts!
Any way, I’m very generous to the two afore-mentioned rellies. I always insist on paying a third when we go to restaurants and they never look overwhelmed. Mind you, that son-in-law, the one who claims to publicise this diary, is a pain. He had the cheek to tell me I was on a ‘Mugs’ List when I was deluged with charity stuff. Charming? He’s not so smart anyway. Last week he crashed into his gate, when I stepped out in front of him suddenly. He’s clearly reckless, unlike myself. The authorities now reckon I can drive the ‘Peep Mobile’ indefinitely. Just right! All the neighbours wave frantically every time they see me driving towards them. They’re clearly happy about my driving ad infinitum. (That’s situated just past Jeopardy!)
Any road, I brought the rellies round for a viewing of the artwork and played some tunes on my ‘Bon Tempi’ organ. It was all very cultured. Did I tell you my forebears or was it 3 bears were all musical? There was I playing the Chopin ‘Prelude’ in H minor, I believe, when my gammy leg froze up and I had to stand, play the organ and waggle my appendage. Quite a feat, which brought great amusement and partial wikileaks to my guests! Son-in-law ‘helpfully’ suggested I ride an exercise bike while playing the jo-anna. What an ass! Any rate, I also showed them my latest purchase before I showed them the door. It’s an ornamental King Charles spaniel. Thing is, it’s boring. Does nothing, says very little of worth and is a bit of a waste of space. So, nothing like the heir to the throne then?
Another kafuffle this week. Went to my doc, Ima Knowtall with a mystery ailment. She said it would still be a mystery if it cleared up. Is that like a modern miracle? I’m confused. Also my life-coach, Robin N. Spunging, told me that life crises like mine are what ‘mould’ you. I told him I already had a spray in the shower for that! Then I went to church, wearing my Gordon Gekko red braces. Trouble was, I needed to go to the loo. Let’s just say that elastic has a habit of springing back when you least expect it! The vicar preached on ‘Revelation’. He said it would all be revealed. I think I’m still ‘seeing things through a glass darkly’! Also they kept changing the books to follow the service so often that I stage whispered to my daughter that I wasn’t Harry Houdini. Chuckles from the congregation. Afterwards, I had a message for the ‘rev’. Told he was away and looked around for someone vaguely religious. I gave up and went home! Well, went to daughter’s for nosebag i.e. soup and a bun, but as usual my shirt bore testament to ‘collateral damage’. You can generally tell what I had all day from the traces on my shirts! For example the pink flavour ice cream from the van at the seaside later that day was very psychedelic! You wait until you’re 86!
It’s not easy getting around on my pins, you know. Stairs are tricky, so I use the lift. Trouble is, in department stores I keep emerging in ‘Ladies Lingerie’. (No, I haven’t gone down that road, I mean that department..although I would look good in a bin-liner, but I’ll leave that to Lady Gaga and that chap off Coronation Street.) By the way, I struggled into the Post Office to pay my car tax. I gave him a cheque and the postie said it was a tenner short. So, I took it home and brought back another cheque, when a £10 note dropped out of my pocket. C’est la Vie as they now say in Azerbaijan after ‘Eurovision’ and Blue will be ‘blue’. Jedward will still be mental! Talking about money and banks, I forgot my PIN again. I went to the bank and the cashier came to the machine and helped me out. She noticed my laces were undone and bent down and tied them. Are the ladies now beginning to worship me?
Well, anyway, I’ll have to go. A couple of thoughts on love etc. ‘Sex’ is what posh people carry coal in? Are people who marry just 2 stalkers who agree not to turn each other in? Whither romance? They’ll have to write a romance clause into the ‘pre-nup’! The writers of Coronation Street came up with, “Love is like a fire. If you don’t poke it regularly, it goes out!” No innuendo there, then?
The Royal Wedding reminded me who I had modelled my eyebrows on, the ArchBish himself. He also has a separated postcode for those things. Lovely! They provide an eco environment for rare birds and plants, a bit like the Eden Project in the UK.
Finally, a couple of Middleton jokes. It was said that those ‘Middleton girls sure know how to work an aisle.”-Mum was a air stewardess. ‘Commoners’ with real class. What about Pippa ‘Mid’ who’s ‘big’ in the USA, but her bum defo did not look ‘big in that’. Mind you, ‘thighs’ is not everything. Some say she has a classy ass. Gracias!
Good luck to the Queen on her visit to the Emerald Isle. Mind you, after 26000 plus days ‘on the throne’, I think the poor lady should be given a dose of syrup of figs, not more caviar! Anyway, she is an amazing monarch and a credit to the UK. As an old Ghurkha officer, I salute you!
Off now to buff up my medals and no, that is not a double entendre!
Yours confusedly but always on the money,
The Blogging Gogfather