Saturday, 2 July 2011

Mr William thinks 'Laughter is the Best Medicine'!

Image representing Richard Branson as depicted...Image via CrunchBase
Good Morrow, dear and steaming Reader,

I imagine you, like yours truly is feeling the heat of mid-summer (Not that place called ‘Midsomer’ on TV where loads of ‘white’ people get bumped off weekly! Surely you can only get ‘bumped off’ once and how is there anyone left in the village?) My old dad loved the quip from an air hostess to a nervous passenger who enquired as to how often their planes crashed. “Just the once!” Boom, boom! Sorry, you get that kind of humour when you live in Belfast, where they don’t always use bricks to build houses! Anyway, I’m in a funny mood and I think the several hours of heat we get here annually may have gone to my head. You see, I reckon that laughter is the best medicine. I may be 87 and a little forgetful, but I get up every day, 6 hours before the dawn chorus, and look forward to every adventure. If anything goes wrong, I go into a tailspin and then laugh about it. That’s why my dopey son-in-law has lots to write about. I have the fun, and then tell him and he writes it down, although his poetic licence is fully up to date and he tries to protect the innocent and passing horses!

Any rate, so much has happened that I will race you through what it’s like in ‘PeepsWorld’. (Maybe I could open a theme park? Ladies might need a chaperone and a submachine gun though. Although, if you can walk faster than a tortoise, you could elude me!) Mind you, sometimes I need a chaperone or Lady Gaga’s bodyguards. The other day, I was ‘in the hands of the Philistines’ at a church lunch, when a lady took a shine to me. She wasn’t my type. You might say that if the lady is breathing she is my type, but the truth is I go for brains and inner beauty…oh and they need to be gorgeous and younger than my daughter! You should see the looks my daughter gives me when I say that. I’d better be careful what she puts in my Sunday lunch? Back to the lady on the rampage, well she said she worked in a cosmetics shop at my shopping centre. She was clearly trying to catch me in her ‘Venus Fly-trap’! I made a mental note to invest in some fly-spray and a ‘sandwich-board’ saying, “Clear off! My end is nigh!” By the way, a little joke; thing not to mention on first date; “My family are all bonkers, except me, of course!”

Talking about churchy things, I was leaving the church and was about to shake the rev’s hand and thank him for his very short sermon, when I noticed he was texting on his mobile phone. Charming, I thought! He’s supposed to be ‘meeting and greeting’. Let’s hope it was something important. Unless he does in fact have a ‘hotline’ to the ‘man upstairs’? Mind you, I had put him off his stride during the service. You see, it was a baptism and I can’t whisper. So he brings the nadger down the church for the punters to have a dekko, when I spotted its physog and said, “Cor, it’s right and ugly. Worse than Churchill!”(The great statesman, not the TV dog. I don’t know, though?) The rev nearly threw the ‘baby out with the bathwater’!

Back to domestic matters. I was in a bit of a ‘flap’, when my letterbox flap jammed. I became temporarily incommunicado. Got son-in-law to get off his behind and sort it, but he did that builder sharp intake of breath thing and muttered about it being tricky to sort. The builders next door are doing that a lot about the ‘Hanging Gardens of Babylon’ they are constructing. You might recall my concerns there? Now they have erected an enormous fence. Even Nadal or one of the Wimbledon grunters couldn’t hit a ball over that! I see too that Andy Murray has gone back to being Scottish again after Nadal knocked him out. I think Nadal just distracted him constantly by rearranging his underwear before each shot!

Talking of being incommunicado, I lost the ol’ voice the other day. The son-in-law, the smart ass one, said my larynx was like ‘thoracic park’. Thinks he’s funny, but not as funny as that jalopy he drives. Barely gets up a hill without a push. Why can’t he get a shiny, crowd-pleasing, babe-magnet, ‘peepmobile’ limo like mine? Mind you, the limo was Mr. William Shatnered on from a great height the other day, just after going through the carwash. I blame the ‘Shat-Nav’, as I call it, in tribute to Captain Kirk (Very ‘enterprising’!). It took my past the ‘wild bird reserve’. The gleaming car obviously caught the attention of thousands of birds (Nothing new there!) This time they formed themselves into a Dambusters/633 Squadron and dive-bombed me! I couldn’t see out the windscreen for a week!

Must finish as I’ve got a new classic book from the pound shop, “Bull-fighting in Bulawayo” (Find your inner ‘bull’) by a Senor Juan Cornetto. Also I have to get the TV engineer out again, as my ‘bin-lid’ dish thing has blown off again. Richard Branson keeps writing to me telling me my street is ‘Virgin friendly’ (What is he getting at and how does he know?) I might stick with the ‘devil I know’, which in my case is ‘Sky’! although sometimes they are ‘the limit’? (Joke, my lawyer seems to have had another funny turn!) Talking about limits, seems the only Olympic ticket you can get now is for the ‘Catching the Javelin’ event! Also bankers still being ‘merchant bankers’.. former Lloyd’s boss on 100k per month ‘gardening leave’. (Maybe he could finish off next door’s garden for me?), but he’s probably too busy buying those gold bars from the vending machine in Westfield Shopping Centre? At least that nice Chinese premier says they’ll ‘look at human rights issues in our own good time’. Sweet!

Before I go, did you hear that ‘shrinks’ in UK say over 65s should take very little alcohol or they’ll go bonkers or something. Spoilsports! Look at me, am I bonkers? Don’t answer that! Liam Gallagher has decided to start early and go teetotal. It might be too late already? By the by, is a bod with no idiosyncrasies idiot-proof? Anyway, off to hang up that picture above my bed. It’s entitled, “The Rising Sun”. I might try that chat-up line with that lady I’m after and ask her if she wants to see the ‘Rising Sun’ with me? Wish me luck! Remember, unless you believe in re-incarnation, you only get one go at life, so enjoy it and laughter is the best medicine!

Yours a little ‘pooped’ on yet very jaunty

The blogging Gogfather

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