Saturday, 28 April 2012

Mr William always 'goes down well'!

Mr William always ‘goes down well’!

Good Morrow, dear & hopefully fully afloat reader,

Yes, it’s been raining a lot round here, so I hope you’re boat (both figurative and financial) has stayed above water. Our millionaire ‘Condemns’ in government love to tell us we’re all in the same boat. Two probs there. Firstly, if we all got in, it would sink without trace (Maybe they’re right then?), but secondly and crucially, the boat our ‘betters and leaders’ are in would be a luxury yacht, unlike the ordinary bod’s leaky dinghy!

Also, in this nautical vein, I should mention the Titanic centenary commemorations, which, in the main, have been tasteful and appropriate. My dad always had a jest that the magazines in his dentist’s waiting room (A certain Dr. Hugh Jars.) were so old that the headlines read, “Fears for the Titanic!” Well, there is no fear that here in Belfast we are not trying to respectfully celebrate the building of an amazing ship and commemorate the sad loss of life. The best example has to be the amazing Titanic Belfast Centre. It’s awesome and a real achievement. It will be a fitting memorial for decades to come. Mind you, on a lighter note, some friends went to the Centre and half way through the visit, a fire alarm sounded (Turned out to be a false alarm.), but they thought it was all part of the experience and wondered why everyone else was heading for the door! Love it.

Titanic, as we know, went down sadly. Yours truly, however, always goes down well, especially with the ladies. Can I share something, dear reader? I was going to save it for posterior, but I can stay ‘in de nile’ no longer. You see, I fancy Nigella Lawson. Well, doesn’t everyone? Due to the Titanic coverage, I have had these daydreams of the luscious one and myself (The sainted Joanna Luvley will have to take a back seat for a while, unless, of course, she starts talking in that husky voice about the Ghurkas again!). Yes, we’re on the prow of the ship like Leonardo Di Craprio and Kate Whimsical (Before it sinks obviously. My front crawl is poor, but I’m not bad at the ‘breaststroke’. What?) Let’s just say that the bow is not the only thing that’s proud! Any way, time for a cold shower and I will tell you about an incident that gave me a sinking feeling.

You see, I had to go through an MOT test, (the car, not me. I’m a man of many parts and some of them even work!) and I had a kafuffle when I realised it was all last minute. I booked the test date asap. (Reminds me. Must check my will is up to date. Don’t want to die ‘intestate’? Get it? Please yourselves!) Problem was repairs were needed to the ‘peepmobile’ to keep it on the road. Parp, parp! The garage blokes wanted to relieve me of a small fortune. I considered asking the chancellor for some of the money he was sending to ‘prop up’ the Eurozone, but I recalled he’s not listening to ‘grannies’ anymore!

Any road, short of robbing a passing ‘merchant banker’ of his bonus, I scraped the dosh together and was about to put the car in for the work. Trouble arrived, though, at 4am on the morning the car was going in, when I remembered the car was full of stuff. I call it necessities for emergencies, the son-in-law calls it ‘random junk’. (Always the charmer! The other day he was painting in a cupboard for me and the only thing I could see was his ass sticking out. Well, I know he’s the butt of my jokes, with good reason, but this was a tempting target. Like Oscar Wilde, “I can resist anything but temptation itself!" He’ll never know how close he came to wearing the paint pot called ‘Midnight in Bognor’!) Anyway, there I was in my kipper at 4am and thought I’d better tidy the car. Well, dear reader, I’d forgotten I now reside in a home for the occasionally bewildered and therefore my nocturnal activities did not go unnoticed. It was like ‘The Great Escape’. I went AWOL into the carpark, opened the car and then suddenly lights came on everywhere. I was waiting for the sirens to wail. Out of the spotlight, I squinted at the ‘warder’, who wondered “What the divil I was up to?” She seemed to accept my explanation gracefully as she wandered back in her nighty. All quietened down, but I’m sure I saw the twitch of a dozen curtains. Aren’t people awfully nosy? You’d think ol’ dears would be asleep at 4am? Hey-ho! Another day, another disaaaster! I think I’ll have to be more circumcised in my activities, ‘cos I really like it here.

You see, my problem is that I’m an open book. The only thing is, my frontispiece is permanently covered in coffee and soup stains, but I’m worth reading, a bestseller even? Anyway, I can safely report that the ‘peepmobile’ is legal for another year. Yippee! I’ll go out for a spin shortly. Mind you, it’s tipping it down and the windows are misted up. I think Tina Turner got it wrong. Windows are better dry. When they’re ‘steamy’, I can’t see out and I would be a danger on the roads. (What was that you said?) Yes, you’re right. I might ‘bump into’ some friends. I’m very sociable. Talking about seeing clearly, I was in a clothes shop last week and saw an assistant, a male much like myself in appearance. Thinking he could help, as he had a debonair, intelligent look, I asked for advice on trousers for a man of shorter inside leg. Well, he just stared right back and said nowt. I was affronted and said I would report him for insolence. My blushes were spared by a passing floorwalker, who whispered that I was talking to a mirror and could he help at all. That was certainly a road to ‘Domestos’ moment. Should have gone to Specsavers, then I could say, “I was blind, but now I can see!”

By the way, they also tell me that if I want to see TV soon, I will have to be digitalised. Will it be painful? Will I be a cyborg like Arnie and say, “I’ll be back!” in a menacing manner? Son-in-law has offered to carry out the operation for me. He’ll probably enjoy inflicting that on me. As the pop singer said, “I prefer number 1s. Number 2s are painful and a real bummer!” Indeed, I empathize fully! Do you notice that peeps say the ‘punniest’ things? A bloke said he put a grand on a horse in the ‘National’. “Yeah!” he said, “I have a lot riding on it!” Also the door store was innuendo city. They said, without a smirk, “Your knob is too big and your slot is too small…for your letterbox.” Is it just me?

Afore I go to paint the town red in my ‘Toad of Toad Hall’ flying machine, I must tell you about my great idea for going round shops and exhibitions, when you’re 87 with dodgy legs. Yes, some big lads meet you at the door with a sedan chair and they carry you round in state. My daughter mumbled something about me being ‘in a state alright’. Her idea was to stick me on a conveyor belt, no doubt clutching a cuddly toy. “Good game, good game!” as Sir Brucie would say. Any rate, in closing this missive, I want to wax lyrical and say that life is a puzzle. You don’t see the solution until the game is over. You simply make your moves and pray!

Yours with an occasional sinking feeling, yet always going down well,

The blogging Gogfather

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1 comment:

  1. A world renowned 'hexpert' on just about everything, a certain Ima Bighead, says my blog should help you balance your yin and yang, not to mention your chakras.
    Yes, she specifically said not to mention your chakras!