Mr William feels it’s all ‘downhill’ from here!
Good morrow, dear and hopefully ‘chilled’ reader,
Yes, I mean chilled as in nicely calm, not nippy round the Trossachs, although that season of things being treacherous round the Khyber Pass is almost upon us. I am feeling the ‘chill’ of advancing years and have decided to go into sheltered accommodation for the slightly bewildered, while I still have some of my marbles and can remember my own name (If you give me a minute to think about it…or better still 24 hours written notice!). At least it will be warm and there’s a good social life. There are so many draughts in my house, it’s like living in a wind tunnel. I get buffeted from every orifice in the building and feel like I’m a mixture of Nanook of the North, Sherpa Tensing and a frozen turkey waiting for Christmas. Yes, I’m stuffed like the Xmas bird, but I’m still keeping my beak up, because, as you know, I have a brass neck and nothing defeats an ol’ Ghurkha!
When I say it’s all downhill, I’m alluring figuratively to my move. (Who says you don’t get Shakespeare here? Mind you, many academics reckon you don’t get Shakespeare in Shakespeare, but I’ll ‘play’ that discussion out at another ‘stage’!) You see, the new gaff is just down the hill from me. I was thinking I could negotiate a deal with the postie as he wouldn’t have to climb the hill to deliver my stuff. Wish me luck with that! The Post Office would take the tooth out of your head, which reminds me about my dental fiasco. More shortly. Wonder if the new place will have satellite TV? I have been showered with ‘Virgins’ recently, I mean offers from Virgins to hook up with them. I’m not making myself clear; unlike the disgraced Bunga-Bunga Berlusconi, what I’m getting is a cable directly from a Mr Richard Branston Pickle so that I can watch ‘Cash in the Attic’ in glorious Technicolor! Have you ever found cash in your attic? I know I haven’t or I’d have gone to Rio with Ronnie Biggs. Nice of him to say he is sorry after 4 decades, I don’t think! I’m sure the Greek and Italian PMs would like to find some cash in the proverbial attic. Maybe they could get a loan from Berlusconi, a Russian billionaire or a couple of UK disgraced peers. The latter want back into the upper chamber. Lord, save us and preserve us!
Anyway, I digress; you do a lot of that at age 87. My smarmy son-in-law says, “All things must pass”. In his case, he’s probably referring to a dodgy curry. As philosophers go, I think he should stick to the day-job, a hod carrier for an imaginary leprechaun. Any rate, he’s trying to help; maybe taking a vow of silence would be therapeutic, for me anyway? My daughter is doing a good impression of an Irish female Dalai Lama. She’s so positive and wise, so I’m sure I’ll get there, literally! Talking about draughts, as I was earlier, I think; I certainly felt the winds of change in a new coffee shop recently. I got such a gust from the doorway that it cooled my soup and then deposited it on my shirt. I would have got round to that anyway, but the staff were so kind that I regard it as an elite eat!
Ok, I’m sure you’re aching to hear about my tooth? Well, I sneezed last week and my implant flew into the lav. I couldn’t bring myself to retrieving it. It would have been the same story if I’d swallowed it. Let’s not go there! I didn’t. Well, the hardest thing to swallow was my dentist’s (Phil McAvity) estimate. He wanted to fit a denture and an implant. I told him it was a ‘bridge’ too far! (You see, I haven’t lost my joie de vivre!) He said he would do an impression and go from there. The only impression I saw was of Dick Turpin and he had the decency to wear a mask and operate at night! Hey-ho! Got to pay up to regain my winning matinee idol smile. Then on the way home, some bloke ‘rammed’ my ‘peep mobile’. I ‘lamb-basted’ him and he went off sheepishly with his tail between his legs, promising to pay up! People like him get on my ‘goat’! Woolly-brained twit!
Did I tell you the ol’ hearing’s still not right? My daughter says that’s because I don’t wear the hearing aids. It’s all so simple when you’re younger, because logic is not a foreign land then. Talking of foreign lands, it occurred to yours truly that if Greece is the ‘epicentre of chaos’, then it’s a good thing they invented the language for us to express their plight and be ‘empathetic’! Mind you, for me at school Latin was all ‘Greek’ and occasionally ‘Double-Dutch’, but piano was my ‘forte’! Boom boom! So anyway, I’ve got to get the hearing sorted out as church is becoming crazy. My deaf friend and I sit together and it’s the ‘deaf leading the deaf’ in a stage whisper. The rev’s voice was so indistinct that it would have put Rip Van Winkle back to sleep. Drone, drone, drone; he must be a part-time bee?
Well, peeps, before I go downhill to my new pad, I want to leave a couple of thoughts. If 1 in 5 humans are Chinese, then spare a thought for my confused (Maybe Confucius could help him?) friend. He has 4 brothers, Jo, Jack, Sean and Wan Hung Lo. He suspects that Sean must be the Chinese one ‘cos he loves their fast food. It’s all logical! Any road, two good news items for the ladies. Bras now on sale for 99p. That’s got to be ‘uplifting’? Also, the sleazy smile has been wiped off Berlusconi’s mush. What’s that quote about Rome burning while the top geezer was ‘fiddling’? Question to ponder; when Herschel discovered ‘his’ new planet, did he shout (With no sense of irony or innuendo?), “I’ve just seen Uranus?” Well, you’ve got to laugh at my age. I was at a hotel recently and thought that hotels are like life. You’ve got to check in, make the most of all that’s on offer and then check out, when you’re time’s up. I’m living life to the full and will ignore the large lady when she sings her siren song. RIP fellow good livers (Not the organ, obviously! Like Smokin’ Joe Frasier, the heroic and inspiring battler!
Keep your chins, no matter how many you have!
Yours heading downhill at a great rate of knots, yet laughing all the way,