Mr William is 'on form'!

Mr William is ‘on Form’!

Good Morrow, dear (and no doubt ‘snowed under’ by Xmas) Reader,

I’ve been ‘snowed under’ by white stuff from the heavens, but also by white bits of paper with things written on them. Yes, my move to the sheltered apartment for the slightly bewildered has been a logistical mountain, even though my daughter and smarmy son-in-law are looking after the arrangements. My job is to worry, get confused and look at lists and forms till the wee hours of every morning. I have self-appointed yours truly to this task, as I have become an expert at it recently. Wait till you’re 87 and see how you feel!

Anyway, the new flat is making me ‘flat’ broke. (Not really, but I couldn’t resist the pun!) The people are all very nice, the Christmas decos are all up and the warder, sorry lady warden/supervisor is kind and seems to be ‘broad-minded’. Thank goodness for that! We’ll get on just fine and dandy.

Well, let me tell you about some of my adventures leading up to my arrival in my new abode! First off, I told the window-cleaner he would have to hang up his ‘shammy’ at my gaff (His chamois for anyone outside ‘Norn Irn’.) After 30 years of rubbing my bits down with a damp cloth, (It’s all in your mind!), he looked crestfallen; in fact, his crest looked like it had been run over by a herd of charging buffalo! I asked him if he cleaned the doings at the new place and he said it was on 2 floors and that was another ‘storey’. Boom, boom! You see, he said that one day he was washing a ‘windy’ as he called it, at the sheltered place, and an elderly, rather severe lady thought he was a peeping tom. They both shrieked in surprise and he nearly kicked the bucket, literally. That was the end of that ‘story’!

Any road, the silly son-in-law says he wants my hacksaw for some wee job in my place. I could suggest some things he could hack off-he certainly ‘hacks’ me off! The other day he was ‘stripping off’ in my flat. (They can’t touch you for it, thank the Lord!) Anyway, it was wallpaper he was stripping off, but he said it was so hot he had whipped down to his ‘budgie-smugglers’! Have you any idea what he’s on about now? He’s a real twit. Recently he said something was an oxymoron. Well, in his case, the moron bit is right. Pedantic little bleeder! Then I told him I had been to some ‘silver surfer’ classes for the ‘interweb’. He asked if I knew about ‘ID10T’ errors. I got him to write it down. Is there no respect for seniors any more? Also, I got the hearing aid adjusted and asked him to test me. He held a pillow over his face and whispered inaudibly. I know what I wanted to do with the pillow. Any rate, no doubt I will rant more about him again. Pillock!

It’s really windy and rainy here. My daughter let me hear a James Morrison song. I was sure he was crooning, “Don’t stop ‘Lorraine’! “ until she, (My daughter, not the putative Lorraine.) pointed out it was ‘the rain’. Well, the wind is so bad here that 747s, birds and roof tiles hit you if you step outside. Now, however, that I’m ensconced in my ‘sheltered’ pad, I don’t need to put the bins out or slide down the drive when the snow and ice trouble me and the ‘peep mobile’. Also the oilman won’t have to ‘knock me up’ at dawn. (Sounds more rude than it is!) Talking about dawn and my car, I had to get my car in at an unearthly hour for another paint job. Somehow it had scratched itself badly. I was late anyway, because I overslept in my ‘scratcher’!

You may have gathered, dear reader, that my driving has become a little erratic, not to say suicidally dangerous, of late. What’s worse is that I cannot park. Next car I get will either be pre-parked or does its own parking! I suppose at the exalted age of 87 I have become more forgetful and accident-prone. Today, I managed to break the arm off my specs. I could ‘see through that’, but I wasn’t wearing them at the time, or if I was, I don’t recall! Then I tripped when recycling a fish tin and I’m now wearing it. What a cod! I’m becoming like a Z-list celeb and losing all sense of ‘reality’? The worst incident was my abortive attempt to climb up and adjust my clock. Well, I pulled down the curtains and rail. What a kafuffle! That’s me, my specs and my clock all at a jaunty angle. What’s new? The smart-ass son-in-law asked if ‘fire-water’ had been consumed before this incident. Well yes, but I wouldn’t tell him that. I invented a new word and declared the curtains ‘non-uppable’. (Like a few things I could mention, but won’t. It’s not something that troubles me. Honestly!) The ‘smart-ass’ re-erected them and said they were indeed ‘uppable’, but it looked more ‘cock-uppable’ to me!

Any road, re-erecting reminds me of a thought. If you want an erector, do you look for an online cleric? Should I ‘goggle’ it or whatever? Now that I have tried the interweb, with my daughter’s help, I have virtually bought all my pressies virtually! Ha! I’m getting the lingo. Talking about clerics and that, I ‘hit’ the rev with predestination the other day at the Bible study. He said I was predestined to ask that question. I stunned him when I asked why he seemed so surprised in that case! Any rate, he answered brilliantly, as no doubt it was predestined to be.

Well, anyway, talking of things religious, Christmas is heading relentlessly our way. I love every thing about it, except for the pressie hassles. That’s why I opted for online in the end. You see, I tried to go into a toyshop for the grandkids and got to the till and forgot my pin number. Had to put the stuff back and slink out like a damp squib party-pooper. Went to the bank and the young lady cashier asked me to follow her outside. What a great offer, I thought! Well, she sorted out the card at the ATM. I told her I was so grateful I could kiss her. She murmured something about me being a ‘merchant banker’. A new career for me perhaps?

Before I go, friends, I just want to share a little thing. Someone tried to break in to my ‘old’ house, but the alarm scared them off. I came back, heard the noise and did my Corporal Jones, “Don’t panic!” thing. It upset me and made me move more quickly to my new abode. There are clearly some nasty people about and so I want to remind you to watch out for all senior citizens at this time. They can be vulnerable and deserve all our support.

So I’m off to fill out the insurance form and all the other forms I have and want to wish you a very happy and safe Christmas and a wonderful 2012! As I always say, live life to the full! My mother used to say that I shouldn’t talk to strangers. Well, I know what she meant, but to me every ‘stranger’ is just a friend I haven’t met yet. Lucky world, here I come. Mind you, I have to avoid a large bloke whose brolly I lifted by mistake in the café. If you see him, head him off with mulled wine and mince pies for me! Thanks!

Yours always in the thick of it, but ‘on form’

The Blogging Gogfather

Image by kevin dooley via Flickr