Friday, 19 November 2010

Mr William is a 'Man with a Plan'?

Ian Fleming's image of James Bond; commissione...Image via Wikipedia
A Sparkling Friday Morrow to you, dear Reader,

I'm over the moon. I have a 'blind date' coming up and Cilla Black is nowhere to be seen. Yes, I did it all by myself with my Italian charm and debonair wit. There are a few of us about- James Bond, Leslie Phillips, Bill Clinton, Berlusconi--I taught them all they know! So, I am a man with a plan. Can't give you any more details on the lucky lady, 'cos I am too much of a gent, but also the damsel in question has still to be stunned by my dashing good looks. I may be an octogenarian, but 'matinee idol' was a phrase invented for me!

Thing is, she may be expecting James Bond or Jamie Oliver, and, of course, she won't be disappointed. (Although, I hope she doesn't ask me to cook any time soon. You see, I had another culinary disaaaster, as Craig 'Revile' Horwood would say. I had to cook this fish thing. I didn't see that the cooking instructions were under the label. So, I guessed. Well, that's the ass burnt out of another pot!) Come to think of it, I have only heard her voice. I could either meet up with Lady Gaga or Vera Duckworth! Anyway, I'm sure it will all go swimmingly, as I have a bit of a way with words.
At least I have more of a silver tongue than that Lord Young, who put his foot in his mouth and almost choked on the silver spoon that was there from birth. Imagine saying, 'Some of us have never had it so good.'? Well, yes, he was obviously speaking about himself and his rich tory toff friends! (Not that I'm jealous or anything). Suppose I had better raid the bank account and push the ol' boat out for a special meal. It will have to be some place where the headwaiter is suitably snooty!

That reminds me. All my preparations for the date were going well. I went to the barbers and asked for something amazing that would dazzle my lady friend. He offered me a flashlight and said I could shine that in her face and murmured something about not being a 'miracle worker'. Some people have no sense of romance! Then several minor 'disaaasters' befell me. Firstly, on 'Remembrance Sunday', a daffy lady reversed into my shiny red 'Peepmobile' in the church carpark. It's a good thing we were in holy precincts or I would have let her have both barrels. She didn't bat an eye- I nearly took a buckle in mine!

Then I went into church with my 'Gurkha' tie on, but I had mislaid my war medals somewhere along the way and decided to wear the only things to hand-boxing medals I won at school. It was a good thing no-one came too close or they would have seen the picture engraved on them of a young pugilist with boxing gloves at the ready. It would have been hard to explain how I took on the Japanese single-handed with a pair of boxing gloves, but, as I said before, I have a good way with words! Anyway, I always feel honoured to remember the sacrifice of the 'fallen'. Trouble was, there was a kaffuffle this year with the 'Last Post' and I am sure the '2 minute silence' turned into 10. I started to sway with exhaustion and thought I had met my 'Waterloo' and was going to join the 'fallen'!
The next hiccough was Aung San Suu Kyi being released from house arrest. I know it's good for her and democracy and all that, but she is going to be too busy now to do that little job I asked her to do. You remember I wrote to her about that girl I met in the war, when I was in Burma, to see if she could trace her? I didn't have a name or anything, but I am sure Aung could have looked into it, when she was at a loose end. Ah well, another loose end for me!
The last straw had to be when my 'implant' tooth fell out yesterday. I couldn't go on my date, like a toothless wonder. So, off I went to my dentist, Doctor Phil McAvity. He fixed it, but told me my teeth needed a 'plan'. I'm sure he knew what he was on about, but I'm also sure it will involve me paying through the nose!
Anyway, I think everything is hunky-dorey right now and I am ready to wow my lady friend on our blind date. So, wish me luck. Do you know any good chat-up lines that won't end up with me getting a bat around the chops?
Yours romantically yet really organised

The blogging Gogfather

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