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You know, my only problem as I reach the zenith of my sparkling life is that I am running out of time and occasionally, in the autumn of my physical powers, I can't quite keep up. Although I am having a whale of a time, I can't compete with the incredible Berlusconi. Not even Bill Clinton can hold a candle to Senor B., who, allegedly(My nervous lawyer asked me to bung that in. He wasn't on the nerve pills till he met me. Do you think the two events were connected?), yes, Senor B. has the young ladies queuing up to attend to his every need? Naturally, we normal mortals are not jealous. Stephen Fry is definitely not jealous. He reckons women don't enjoy the 'other'. Well, Stephen, we love you dearly, but that is just so wrong on so many levels! Anyway, who said I was normal and what is normal?
Thing is , I have so much going on that I get dizzy, so please forgive me if I don't stick to the point. (What do you mean I never do?) Well, what can I tell you? Firstly, my new phone died. At least, I thought it had until my pain-in-the-neck son-in-law showed me where the on-off button was. It keeps him happy-makes him feel clever. I only have my phone for emergencies, but what should I do if my phone needs an ambulance? Then the roofing guy was working next door and he had the cheek to tell me I had a few slates loose. Is there no respect for senior citizens? To follow that, my car tax disc fell off. A smart alec policeman told me I would have to stick it on properly or get a fine next time. I was tempted to tell him where he could stick it!
Nevertheless, dear reader, I am not daunted and take all these things with a 'widdecombe' of salt.(Had to get the 'Widdy' woman in somewhere, since she is proving that personality is winning over talent in Strictly Come Dancing) Anyway, for me, the day gets most exciting when 'Deal or No Deal' comes on-not because of irritating Noel 'Know-all' Edmonds, but because I then start my first sherbit of the day. Noel believes in 'cosmic ordering' or some such. Well, I don't know which cosmos he is ordering, but I am darn sure it's not this one!
Now that my hearing aids are working (The 'ear guy' had to order in special ones, as my ears apparently don't conform to EU standards), I can hear everything Noel says. Well, let's just say he is getting by with a 'widdycombe' of talent! By the way, the ear man told me to wear my aids as much as poss, but I don't want anyone to see them, so I only wear them in bed or to watch tv, although I find it better to remove them for the tv viewing pleasure. Talking about pleasure, the government want us seniors to get 'surfing on a net or web' or something asap. Well, I wasn't interested till I heard that there are one or two sporting ladies on this web thing, who are scantily clad. I perked up my non standard ears then and have enrolled for a few lessons. Apparently, the first lesson is training a mouse. Maybe, it's some sort of role play. I'll let you know!
Any rate, a quick scan of my paper tells me that Cameron is cozying up to Sarkozy. Better than Blair blowing his legacy with Bush! I also see that the Middletons are being trained up to fit in with the Royals. Bizarrely, the first lesson is how to mow down one of God's innocent creatures. Don't say, I can't do political satire. My lawyer, who, as we speak, is making a valium sandwich, says I should leave it there. He has no cahones. Anyway, as you know, I have a great relationship with Her Majesty. She is so looking forward to presenting my congrats card at 100. I can just picture the scene in Buckingham Palace. We have just got to port and cigars, and, in deference to 'her Maj Lizzy', I step out onto the balcony, to avoid blowing smoke in the royal physog.
Suddenly, my moment has arrived. I blow a smoke ring and give the assembled tourists what I have always wanted to give them, yes, the Churchill 2-finger salute. They can put that in their pipes and smoke it! Does it get any better for a grumpy ol' git (Gog)?
Any rate, that's for another day, I'm getting behind with my sherbits. I don't even feel dizzy yet, well no dizzier than usual! Cheers!
Yours directly if a little unsteadily
The blogging Gogfather!
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