Cover of Marlene Dietrich
Yes, as Craig 'Revile' Horwood would say, it's a 'fab-u-lous day, darrrling!' The reason?, I'm feeling a lot better after a bout of 'man flu'. I was, of course, at death's door, but a couple of days of 'TLC' ( tender loving care, not some new obscure 'Boyband') have got me on my feet. My lawyer, Robin Scheister, tells me that he has 'goggled' something on the 'infra-red net' and says there is a girl band called 'TLC'. Well, before the rumours of my prowess spread even further, I have to admit that they did not come to my aid- more's the pity, but I will keep them on speed dial for any future emergencies.
No, my daughter watched out for me, with food, medication etc and my son-in-law, the one who reckons my diary is his brainchild, managed to shift his behind and deliver my Daily Telegraphs and shift my bins. What does he want, a medal? Well, yes, he probably does.( Just like Muttley!) Anyway, I have never watched so much tv in my life, out of sheer boredom. If I hear one more reference to Gillian McKeith's underwear, Ann Widdecombe's dancing 'bloomers' or whether 'Wagner' should be for the high jump ( and for the uninitiated, I do not mean that the 19th century maestro composer should compete in the 2012 London Olympics), I will do an Elvis and throw something heavy at my HD ready 'goggle box'!
Any rate, believe it or not, I have strayed off the point. Now that I am better, I can concentrate on getting prepared for my 'blind date'. No, she's not blind, but some unkind people have suggested that would be an advantage for me, but they're just jealous. No, you see, my stunning good looks are not my problem, it's getting my chat-up lines right. That's why I chose the pic at the top, 'cos I have a feeling I might be better being gagged, wearing a Santa hat and going for laughs rather than romantic lines.
I hear you rightly say, 'But, Mr William, you can charm birds out of the trees and have taught the world's greatest lotharios. What could be amiss?' Well, the answer is, that I get nervous about 'blind dates' after a few dodgy experiences in the past. The worst one was a few years back. I answered a 'lonely hearts' ad and when I rang, the person was a male, who said he was the lady's brother, but his sister had asked him to vett the callers. So, we set up a rendezvous. I should have suspected something, when he said I could meet 'Martha' behind a motorway service station on the M25. Well, when I got there, I find that 'Martha' was a cross-dressing truckdriver and all-in wrestler called Arthur. Let's just say, it took all my Gurkha training and a well aimed boot to his 'family jewels' to extricate myself, before I spoke with a falsetto and walked like John Wayne after 2 weeks 'in the saddle'!
So, you see why I am a little more circumcised this time. I have looked to my hero of stage and screen for some lines- the great Leslie Phillips, he of 'Well, helloooo!' fame. One of his was, 'I thought there were only 7 wonders of the world, but now I see there are 8!' He tried this with Marlene Dietrich and she apparently loved it. Times have changed, though, and my research with a few experts (ie women) has revealed that they don't want chat-up lines, they want politeness, kindness, humour and straight forward attention and respect. Well, I can do that. I'm better avoiding trying clever lines. They tend to go wrong for me. Like the time I told a lady 'of a certain vintage' that she was a bit of a looker 'for her age'. She seemed a bit underwhelmed!
Anyway, I think I am sorted now. I will be the soul of discretion and a total gent. Although, to be honest, if I get to the restaurant and find my date is Gillian McKeith, I might have to ask her what she is trying to conceal 'in her knickers' this time. (Any rate, if you 'are what you eat', as she says, then I'm sticking to the pies!)That will be just before I yell, 'I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here!' Wish me luck?
Yours apprehensively but word perfect?
The blogging Gogfather