Friday, 31 December 2010

Mr William is 'off his tree'. Feels it in his 'Waters'!

WW1 meets SpaceImage by pasukaru76 via Flickr
Good Morrow, Dear Reader,
Hope you are happy and not hungover. I'm a little of both--more later. What will 2011 hold? For me, I am flying high and soaring ever upwards!
Have you heard about our water crisis here in Northern Ireland? No, not caused by drought or even really the big snowfalls and freeze, but really because our local
government and water 'chiefs' are cowboys and couldn't run a booze-up in a brewery!
You see we have water pipes that haven't been renewed since that flood thing with Noah's Ark. In fact, some of the pipes were made from salvage wood from the Ark. So, you will not be surprised to know that geysers are springing up everywhere out of the ground, and I don't mean that pot-holers have lost their way and are sticking their heads up through people's lawns with a confused expression. In fact, there are so many leaks that you can get a free public shower anytime, but you have to stand outside in freezing conditions in the nuddy, and wait for the next pipe to burst!

Personally, it has had several side-effects for me. Firstly, my Crimbo tree has dried out and is looking very sorry for itself. It has drooped. ( Unlike yours truly, who is always upbeat and perky!) Thing is, I was due my annual bath and now I will have to put it off till next December. Heh-ho! Never mind. At least my own internal plumbing is working well. I can drink like a fish, and now that H2O is in short supply, I have had to rely on my Christmas drink supplies to get me through. I have found that neat rum has done wonders for my 'pipes'. Arhh me hearties! (By the way, if you are under 18 and not already under the 'influence', then don't follow my example, and do remember I have a fully paid-up 'poetic license', which I intend to use to the max.)

Talking about the ol' 'fire water' or what I call 'falling-down water', my grand-daughter, who knows my little foibles ( I wonder who told her. Did you?), she bought me a very large and expensive bottle of malt whiskey. Well, that was welcome and has meant that I have been able to switch the central heating off for the last week and live on the glow from my face!
Here, did I tell you that a lady I like invited me round for what she called 'gin and it'. Well, gin is not my favourite tipple, but I'm always up for a bit of 'it'! This lady is what I call 'one of my 5 a day' health regime. Yes, I see about 5 ladies during my daily travels and they all adore me. Some are even married, but it is obvious that they would run off with me if I asked. After all, they are only human and I can't help being a 'matinee idol'!

Talking about Christmas trees, as I was alluring to above, went to a rellie's house and they had an odd 'fairy' on the top. I'm serious--it was less fluffy angel and more chunky 'buddha'. It vaguely reminded me of Queen Victoria, and no, I didn't meet her in the flesh to receive a Boer War medal! Thing was, 'mein host' had been very generous with the malt whiskey, so I decided to point out my misgivings about his 'fairy'. Let's just say that his bonhomie temporarily deserted him and I thought he was going to tell me where he would stuff the fairy, if I didn't pipe down!

Anyway, the big freeze and snow left me in a bizarre position. Not only did the 'peepmobile' slide into the street and was submerged ignominiously for days in a snowdrift, but I couldn't even dig the bally thing out, 'cos the garage door froze up and I couldn't get my shovel out. It's only since yesterday that I am back to 'normal' (whatever that is. You can judge for yourselves!) I got to the shops and bought some of my favourite items, pullovers and shirts. I reckon I am the Imelda Marcos of knitted jumpers. Well, everyone has a double somewhere, they say!

Any rate, before I go, because there is a sound of running water, and no, it is not emanating from my direction, I want to remind you of a couple of jokes from the late great Bob Monkhouse. Here goes:- 'They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!' 'I clearly irritate my wife. Every morning when I wake up, that is the first disappointment of her day!' Last but not least.
'I still like nookey at 86. Well, it's closer than number 84!' Ah, peerless stuff. I wish you all a Happy New Year. Don't do anything I would do!

Yours joyfully but slightly pickled

The Blogging Gogfather!
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