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I am still walking on air after my fabulous weekend in Ireland with my family. They have dubbed it, 'William's Wild West Whim!' I'll let you be the judge as to what they are alluring! I was walking on air when I started on my adventure. As you may now have heard, I had an incident involving a persistent fly in my kitchen and an unnamed brand of spray--let's just say it rhymes with WD40.
You see, it was the morning of my departure and I knew I had to set my house alarm. A few months back, a pesky fly had managed to set off my alarm when I was away( At least that was the reason the alarm company gave me afterwards. What? Seems perfectly reasonable to me!) So this fly had to go. As I was rushing, the only solution to hand was that spray can of 'WD40', which my son-in-law swore could be used to solve any little DIY problem.(Yes, he swears by it. I know, 'cos I've often heard him quietly swearing under his breath, when sorting out little emergencies for me!).
Anyway, I sprayed and sprayed all round the kitchen until the little blighter was no more (The fly, not my son-in-law!), but there were 2 unwanted side-effects. Firstly, I inhaled half the can and secondly, the floor became an ice-rink.
Happily, my son-in-law fixed the latter problem on my return. For some reason, he seemed to be suppressing laughter, while he rambled on about 'elf and safety! As regards the fumes I inhaled--well, I have been having these hallucinations that I am Tony Curtis in his hey-day and this feeling stayed with me throughout the weekend. All the ladies fell at my feet--maybe they had inhaled something. Only problem was that all the excellent food and wine tasted like 'WD40'. I could have ignored that, but my inhibition chip has gone, so I told the snooty Maître D' that I only got a chemical taste off his wine. He smiled and said nothing, but his eyes crossed and he staggered a little, before saying, 'Very good, Sir!'
Anyway, I feel like the King of Ireland after my weekend. Just like our sainted golfers, I played around perfectly, sorry, I played a perfect round. Well, I'll let you judge. We could ask Tiger? Not sure I actually want to be royalty full-time, after seeing what they have to do. The Prince of Wales had to dance like an eejit in India (Although, I have done that in my time, even in India!) Also Prince William and Harry have to put themselves into 'the front line' sometimes--although, come to think of it, I have done that too!
No, I felt like royalty for a weekend. Did I mention this was a nostalgia trip to my home town? I felt like Kunte Kinte in 'Roots'. If you think I am being rude, just google it--if I wanted to be rude, I would be a lot more direct. There is nothing like the 'single' entendre to turn heads; actually, with my direct repartie, I have been known to stop ladies in their tracks. They often ask for smelling salts!
Well, after this adventure, my family think I'm St. Francis of Assisi. I'm more 'Good 'ol grandad' than 'GOG--grumpy 'ol goat'! So, it's all good. A couple of things come to mind. On the journey there and back, my daughter and her hubbie used a thing called a 'shatnav' or something--tells you when you are lost(I don't need a gizmo for that-I always know when I'm lost.) I asked them if it would work on water to help find fish. You would have thought I was asking them to explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity with diagrams! I like practical gadgets, like a fishing rod or a cricket bat-anything more is surplus to requirements.
The family kept saying they would stick all the photos on an 'eye-pad' or some 'book of faces'. Has the world gone mad? Just give me a couple of snaps to pin up by my loo, so that I can stare at them 'at my own convenience' boom boom! The food and wine were lovely, but you can't beat a bowl of good soup. It's my regulator for my DNA and my metabolics! Again, not being rude. It's my longevity X Factor( Had to get that in for the kids, to be hip or thigh or whatever it is .Wouldn't watch the programme to save my life-unless Joanna Lovely was a judge, of course!)
Anyway, I love my family and they love me. We had a super time! Before I go(I don't mean die), I want to remind you that my nurse from boarding school taught me things that have stayed with me till this day. That's why I was prepared for the chambermaid when she knocked my door on the first night. I opened the door and she asked if(and here I held my breath) she 'could turn down my bed'. Well, faster than Tony Curtis with Marilyn Munro in 'Some like it Hot', I quipped, 'Is there anything I can do to change your mind, dear lady?' She smiled sweetly and left. I've still got it!
What a weekend. Anyway, back to porridge. Got to rush off to the doctor's with a urine sample. Just routine. Better not do what I did last time. I mixed up the sample bag with the white wine box bag. I had left both on the shelf--one to squeeze the last dregs from, the other for the doc. Well, let's just say the doc called me in to discuss my alcohol consumption and I coiffed a strangely cheeky glass of wine! Say no more.
Yours suavely but still seeing double
The blogging Gogfather!
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