Monday, 25 October 2010

Mr William really takes the 'Biscuit'?


Magnificent Monday to you, dear reader,
As usual, I have a confession to make this morning, as I sit here in my little peaceful living room. I'm afraid the balloon has gone up. No, I don't mean Celine Dion just before the twins were delivered in Palm Beach. Mind you, I have heard of 'birthing pools', but on the beach, that's taking it a bit far, even for a celeb! Also, I don't mean the news that Tony Blair's sister-in-law has become a muslim. I think every one has a perfect right to choose their religion, but don't you think it would have given Tone another PR nightmare, when he was pursuing his 'war against terror'. (Especially as his spin doctor told us at the time that Tone's government didn't 'do God'!)

Furthermore, the balloon does not refer to the bold Ann 'Widdybottom' MP, although she did fly through the air with the greatest of ease at the weekend, to the delight of the public (What do we know about fancy footwork? We leave that to MPs and bankers!) No, Ann has the 'John Sergeant Factor'. It's like the 'X Factor' but with even less perceptible talent. What do Ann and John have in common? Both immensely likeable and popular with us unwashed masses (Speak for myself there, should I?) and also in common, they have a lifelong interest in the 'Commons'; and, of course, they can't dance for toffee, or as Craig 'Revile' Horwood would say, 'They are both a disaaaaster, daarrling!' Strictly speaking, they should have avoided 'Strictly'!
Back eventually to my 'balloon going up. Well, it involves my brushes with presidents and royalty--and no, I wasn't anywhere near a grassy knoll in Dallas in 1963. That's my story and unlike my walking stick, I'm sticking to it. Yes, I've lost another one. My pain in the neck son-in-law keeps asking how I could lose something I was leaning on. He insists on bringing logic and facts into everything. He has a lot to learn! I've solved the problem anyway; I am getting a homing device fitted to the next one. (Would that be a pigeon on a piece of string? I don't know.) Anyway for those who might say I have diffs getting to the point, here goes. I think I might have taken President Clinton's 'biscuit'! Yes, some may be shocked. Some will think I have gone all 'Monica Lewinsky'. Some will say, 'What are you raving about this time, Mr William?'

Well, it has me worried. You see it has emerged that President Bill lost the launch code card for a few weeks during his presidency. You know, the ones to set off nuclear missiles? Well, they call that the 'biscuit'! I always thought that was a red phone, but I'm obviously still out in the 'Cold War' era re technology. I can't help it if I'm not Bill Gates. I have a mobile phone but I can't use it, and that, dear reader, is why the world was not blown to smithereens at that time.
It was like this. I was innocently sitting minding my own business in a lapdancing club, opposite the White House, round about the time in question. Well, the rest is a hazy memory and my lawyer tells me it should remain that way. I, obviously wandered in by mistake, after accidentally consuming too many sherbits and was simply admiring the scenery, when I noticed something shiny on the floor. Two miracles had just occurred, one was me taking my eyes off the dancer(Well, you don't like to be rude!) and the other was that my eyes had crossed and glazed over.
 Well, I lifted the card and assumed that the young lady wanted to have me ring her later for a bite of supper and was so shy she did the old trick of dropping her card for me to lift. Thing is, later in the cab to my hotel, I tried to ring the numbers, but my fingers kept fluffing the keys. So, I just chucked the card out the window in frustration. My lawyer, who has just had a mild seizure tells me that I should point out that it may not have been the 'biscuit', but the whole experience 'took the biscuit' for me!
Hpoefully none of this will affect my knighthood chances or the message from the Queen at my century. I did worry, though, when she didn't call in and have tea with me last week on her visit to Northern Ireland. I had the tea and custard creams  ready. Maybe she had heard the rumours and didn't want another 'biscuit' incident!
Yours vaguely but always taking the biscuit

The blogging Gogfather!

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