Saturday, 31 July 2010

Things you can Bank on?

Faded GloryImage by just.Luc via Flickr
Sizzling Saturday to you all!
You know, we used to feel we had certainties in our world. Now it is faded glory, as in the piccie. My dad always used to say, 'Son, you're blocking the heat from the fire, so could you hop it!' No, he did say that as well, but he also told me you could bank on a few things in life, firstly death( although some bods say, 'If I die etc..Do they know something I don't?). Secondly, taxes- no doubt Mr Cameron will underline the reality of that some time soon. Thirdly, he said there was nothing safer than houses or the Bank of England. Well, he was wise, but not a prophet!
My lady bank manager, Ms Isla Screw-yall, often makes it clear to me that she will only lend to me, if I don't need it. I tried my babe-magnet charm, but she made feel more like a fridge magnet. She snarled something about undergoing stress tests. Don't know whether she meant herself (Doubtful, she would scare a shark!) or the bank. In any case, she'll know how the rest of us feel then! Even scary Vince Cable can't get through to them. He says it is 'a dialogue with the deaf'. He says the banks are paying bonuses rather than lending and they will feel his wrath. Maybe this is a job for Arnie 'the terminator' and governator to take on!

Talking about 'bricks and mortar' being a safe home for your nest-egg, heard some bods on tv saying they feared a 'double-dip recession' would stop their house selling. Maybe, but they showed their house and I think they should panic more about the 60's naff decor, the dumpy appearance, their Rottweiler greeting the viewers and the fact that everyone else is in Majorkka(sic or do I mean sick) or on stayvacation in Bognor under Raincloud!
Some other things you can or can't bank on. London have set up a bike 'hire' scheme a la Paris. Boris Johnson got on his bike for PR. Well,not his bike, he borrowed it, just like the Parisian bike 'borrowers' did. Except they borrowed them permanently. You can bank on the scheme going down like a lead balloon- you could say it's a 'vicious cycle'!
You used to be able to bank on the quality of products. Now, Which magazine lists numerous products that are totally ineffective. Fair to say, 'They don't do what it says on the tin!' Meanwhile, some dopey advertisers blithely tempt me to shout at the tv, when they say that , 'Nothing works better than 'product X'. I shout out, 'Well, if nothing works better, I'll use that then!'
One new money-maker you can bank on is the 'Whistle blowing profession'. There are always wrong doers in high places and low places, for that matter. Now, the US will pay a 'bounty' to those who expose financial fraud. My dad used to say, 'Where's there's muck, there's brass!'
You used to be able to bank on oysters being an aphrodisiac. That's not reliable either. I had a dozen the other night and only 9 of them worked! Talking of food, you could always depend on me. I had an impeccable war record. I was mentioned in despatches many times,  though not always in a totally positive light. The catering corps described my cooking, rather unkindly I thought, as more dangerous than 'friendly fire', especially the curry!. Everyone's a critic!
Well, you can bank on me for a chuckle and as for relying on anything else, I would simply say you can only trust God and be happy!

Yours reliably yet jocularly

The blogging Gogfather
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